Sundrip Journals
Somehow, at age 54 I’ve picked up a new nickname, Ladybug.
Two of my caregivers who don’t know one another call me Ladybug.
It’s the strangest thing.
My younger parts like it.
We don’t draw or paint them. This is one of the first we’ve done. It makes me want to go read about them.
I like bugs quite a bit.
Faith Magdalene
My kidneys are weak but not dead. That’s great news. I’m drinking 64oz of water a day, doctor’s orders. As long as I add a bit of fruit to the water I really don’t mind at all.
I’m in a decent amount of pain because of the inflammation and the rash associated with kidney disease. Who knew the skin could be affected so negatively when the kidneys go down hilll? My back has a nice rash and my legs get so dry that I flake like Tony the Tiger. It’s not great!
There’s been zero art. I look forward to painting in the new place. The new place will also bring two new caregivers because the one I liked so much wasn’t able to continue. In the new place I’ll have a female in the morning and a male aide in the evening. After him I’ll have a person for five hours until midnight. I have overnight care. They’ll lock the door and return in 9 hours.
All that so I can live independently. I appreciate it.
Now for tea.
When all else fails, buy flowers.
My CNA and I like each other very much. She said she’s here to stay. I believe her. But today was rough. She’s got a personal crisis. Instead of continuing to argue, right in the middle of the situation I said, I call grace. I choose to give grace.
I know something isn’t quite right. I’m not going to argue or raise my tone or question you. It’s over. I choose grace. She said nothing and got in the car to take me to the store where I found these beautiful discounted flowers.
Something very bad has happened in my aide’s life. I think I know what it is. I pray it isn’t. That’s way too hard to deal with. No flower can cover it.
Today I reassured her that I enjoy her company and like working with her. She smiled and said, I’ll see you tomorrow.
She doesn’t need nearly as much reassurance as I do.
I have a certified nurses aide with 30 years experience. I actually have quality care.
She’s African American, my age. We mesh well. We are polar opposites. My goodness she’s unorganized. Her car is so unorganized it makes me suicidal! I’ve never in my life… oh the chaos. The odd couple. But it works and it works well. I’m grateful for that.
I have prayed that I will learn a little more about humility * each time * I visit with my young Bible student or my CNA . Six days a week I’ve got an opportunity to mold myself into a better me by seeing my CNA.
I will style myself to be more gentle, slower with the heavy sarcasm, listen more, ask deeper questions, pause before I speak. I’ve got six opportunities where I can learn new skills.
My CNA may be professionally unorganized but she’s got humility down pat. There is much I intend to learn by her her. I won’t waste this opportunity.
Faith
I found a jar of honey in an old supplies from the pandemic era. It had crystallized.
I didn’t want to go through the trouble of doing the double boiler thing to melt it down and shake it up but I do want it decrystallized. I can’t do the dishwasher method either. That’s where you place the honey in the dishwasher for three cycles and viola, no more crystals. However, I do have a coffee mug warmer, and time.
How it unfolded
The full process took about 30 minutes for six ounces of crystallized honey. The honey tastes just like I remember. 🙂 I know exactly why I buy from this particular beekeeper.
There are two beekeeping families with superior products who keep me coming back.
My wonderful full-time caregiver enjoyed the cinnamon and honey I made for her. Now for lavender and honey, lemon and honey, etc. I purchased a quart and the taste sizes are only one ounce so there’s enough to play with. 🙂
Well, I’m off to do end of the month tasks. Try not to worry they say. It’ll all work out they say. I’ve got evening care added on two days a week now, due to memory issues and others from long covid. They’re making sure I eat, too.
Faith
You know what? I did better with boundaries and setting limits than I first remembered. I originally looked back at the year with the old CNA and saw how many times I drew the line.
The first thing was how she would shoo me away with the back of her hand. She’d say, “Go! ” and begin to shoo me out of the kitchen area or restroom area, wherever I was. It felt horrible. I asked her to stop but she told me I couldn’t tell her what to do with her hands. I said, when it makes me feel “that way” I absolutely can. I ended up needing to call the supervisor about it.
She began saying very racist things about two different races. It was crazy. I said, how soon you forget the very words used against you. “They’re taking over.” “They’re taking our jobs.” “They’re dirty.” How soon you forget!!
She talked about how she doesn’t eat food from certain people because she feels blacks cleaner than their race. I get tired of that mess!!
It’s insane to inflict on others what we have to endure. When I talked to the supervisor about racial slurs she was mad. Shouldn’t have kept saying it. Hatred has no place in my home! I won’t stand for it.
She told me I can’t tell her what she can say. My answer surprised her. I said. I absolutely can. I can. I did. If vitriol comes out of your mouth you will hear about it. You say horrible things sometimes!
So, thinking back, I didn’t let her run all over me. I tried very hard to keep boundaries with someone who became uninterested in civility.
While there were really good times we had many difficulties, mainly with her mouth. You know what though? It was the mouth of one CNA. I only had one person’s behavior to deal with. I didn’t have CNAs cycling in and out which made the situation manageable, for awhile.
Let me address her walking out on me. That hurt. It also hurt to find out she actually put in a 2 weeks notice and that would have been her last day anyway. She put in a 2 week notice (unknown to me) because I had to report her language. I kept asking her to stop dropping the F-bomb. Why do I need to keep asking? Why are you using that word at work, especially that much? She actually quit bc she didn’t appreciate being asked not to use that word between the hours of 10-3, three days a week.
I guess she couldn’t bring herself to be respectful to others or to love herself enough to not say hateful, racist things about others.
Early on she used to tell me she was going to leave and not come back. I asked her to stop. I don’t think it’s funny. She kept saying it so I told the supervisor. So now she’s gone. I’ve got mixed feelings.
I honestly liked her in the beginning. I still have empathy and sympathy, now with anger.
Faith
Content – Domestic Violence, sexual abuse, negative family response to child abuse, emotional, CNAs
You know how you listen to a person complain but they fail to change what they’re complaining about? You try to be supportive but you just end up frustrated because the person will not make a change. I’m doing something like that right now.
I needed to make a decision, then I needed to act on it, so I did. I didn’t make the decision based off of what others might do but off my experiences. So, for now, I’m keeping the psychopath CNA that I have because in addition to her psychopathy, she shows up to work every day, on time and without those ridiculously long eyelashes and fingernails. This 65 year old woman doesn’t change her hair every 3 days which means I recognize her when she arrives.
When my CNA shows up she’s not drunk and her car has insurance and doesn’t smell like weed. She’s clean. She takes me to the store, on and on. She’s not obese. Why do they send obese CNAs to help an obese patient living in a tiny apartment? Make it make sense, boo. So yeah, I’m keeping her and her psychopathic tendencies until further notice. I intend to complain about her behavior. You don’t have to listen if you don’t want to.
Dr D asked if I was being abused. I told him I’m not sure I’d admit it if I was. I wonder if I’d respond like a battered wife, again. I know I would, which is why openly discussing issues with her to my therapist will be important.
I think I’d be embarrassed to say I’m being abused. The fear is that I won’t be believed or that I’m being too sensitive. I worry I’ll then be labeled as someone who has to be watched or I’ll make accusations. Let me explain.
After time in Florida with my now deceased uncle and my mother’s sister, I returned to Indiana on an emergency flight. In Florida I was going to be left home alone with an abuser, the uncle, for a full weekend. Very long story short, when I got back to Indiana I wasn’t allowed to be alone with my grandfather anymore. One aunt said she didn’t want me to have the chance to make accusations against him. I felt marked and like everyone would be on guard around me for fear I’d strike with a terrible accusation. I couldn’t be around any males alone anymore out of concern for them. I worry about the same kind of thing happening now.
I need help sifting through the drama and mayhem that happens here sometimes. I need help sorting through my emotions concerning treatment by any given individual. Why? Because my eyesight has been altered by child abuse and abuse in romantic relationships. I don’t see as clearly as I need to which is why I will benefit from bouncing things off my therapist concerning CNAs.
A second pair of eyes will be helpful especially when that person understands I’m not as emotionally strong as I come off. I don’t look like I could be abused and say nothing. I sometimes feel just like that little girl in the old photos on my wall. I’m not though.
I think it’s sad that I need to accept a certain level of drama and mistreatment as normal CNA behavior. I’m not a person that just anyone can work with. My mental health often clashes with the CNAs mental health. We are both guilty of impatience, preconceived ideas and plain ol being tired of people. Putting these CNAs in with us is like putting the odd couple together. It either works or someone is flipping out. It’s so stressful.
When she comes in I look at her to see what mood she might be in. Yeah, there are serious issues here but so far things remain under control as far as abuse goes.
This battle with caregivers will not end for me. I’ll have caregivers for the rest of my life. I’m learning how to deal with them and I’m learning how to be strong enough to speak up for myself when it comes to abuse.
If a person wants to argue, I can argue with the best of them, then tell everyone what happened. But if I’m struck, intimidated or threatened, chances are I’d say nothing. That. must. change.
Joan