I’m dissociating more than usual, losing time is a real problem. I’m so triggered by everything right now that I took a short break from homecare. They’ll return Monday with the same caliber individual that prompted this much needed break.

There are things that need to be accomplished like arranging neurology – opthalmology appointments, getting at least one meal a day as well as accomplishing my letter writing goals to nursing home residents.

The scheduled MRI took 2 hours. I slept most of the time. With the results back I can now see a specialist. The test reaffirmed the brain scan. I have Pseudotumor cerebri with a couple of other issues. This may be a result of the Lupus as well as my weight.

This disordered eating of mine has come to a head. I’ve got an abstinence problem. It’s true that when stress and depression are high, my appetite leaves. I often forget to eat or it gets too late in the day so I skip. The last time of extreme abstinence lasted three days. I binge eat and I abstain. I use to purge in my 20s but it didn’t produce the same feeling as abstinence. I realize it’s about control or lack thereof. With all the ridiculous meds I’m on you can’t tell there are days with no meal.

I was thinking of how the caregivers have no understanding at all of how their choice of profession means certain fashion sacrifices. It’s not appropriate to have 1.5 to 2 inch finger nails at work because of the risk of bacteria. You can’t wipe your butt well. You’re sure not making my food like that. For patients with memory issues it’s upsetting to not recognize the aide because she changes her hair so drastically a couple times a week. How am I supposed to keep up with that? They think clients should accept them with whatever they’re wearing and should say nothing about them drastically changing their appearance so much. This field requires a level of sacrifice they aren’t willing to give.

A year ago come July I began to blog privately because life had gotten so terribly out of control. I intend to keep public posts with content like this to a minimum.

My Facebook account is still not accepting friend requests. I’m sitting back from a few groups I’m on. I’m not the only person in the world who is angry. The whole world is angry, looking for offence, looking to offend and not open to any agreement even when it makes sense to do so.

I’m exhausted by the violence and the responses / lack of response to it. I’m amazed by the level of complete disregard for the welfare of others. I’m fearful of going to the grocery store and getting shot. I don’t want to go to the mall and roll around in my manual wheelchair for fear of getting shot. The grocery stores are mixed races because this is a mixed neighborhood making our grocery stores a target for hatred in the form of mass shootings.

In the hospital the other day I was so worried about a shooting that I tried to think about what I could possibly push to barricade a door if I needed to. This is every day life now, and it’s stressful.

The accompanying art piece is about dissociating and about loss. I painted it on an old wooden clip board once used as a pallet. After examining the piece more closely there are 3 things in the art that stand out for me: the figure to the left has her eyes closed. That’s rare for me. The head of the figure to the right is disconnected, which I haven’t done in many years. There isn’t a single sunflower on this painting.

I’m certainly struggling with dissociation and time loss right now.


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