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I'm only human Lupus The People Behind My Eyes Women

Hugging Dreams. Wheelchair Companions.

For several nights in a row I’ve had a dream about getting hugs from some beautiful black man. I know, right! The thing is, since I haven’t had a real hug since March the dream hugs have been nice and healing. In one dream he hugged me and held on. It was great and so […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Anxiety I'm only human Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

Therapy Review: Dirty. Boxes. Pain.

I can’t seem to kick the idea that I am somehow dirty inside and out. I know why. I recall the names I was called so viciously. I just hate that even now, at 49, I want to protect people from my unclean feelings. I have a sweet little CNA that shows up daily. She’ll […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Chronic Pain Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

High Pain

I can’t stand it. I don’t even know why I’m writing it. I guess because it helps just to say or scream that it hurts. I think when I hurt this way it starts to make my heart sad. I feel it emotionally, too. I’m not sure why. The physical pain makes me hurt inside […]

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Anxiety Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

When Doctors Fight

The surgeon wants to do the ablation without stopping the blood thinner Arixtra aka Fondaparinux. My Hematologist laughed out loud and said, “No!” This is a rather strong blood thinner and the possibility of bleeding is way too high. My Hematologist says I should not ever have surgery without it going through his office first […]

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Chronic Pain Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

Tests and Remodeling

I spent a good long time at the hospital getting test after test. They checked my heart to see if its strong enough for surgery. In 2018 my heart could only pump down to my legs but not back up. It’s doing so much better and I’m safe for Friday’s procedure. They did heart test […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Chronic Pain Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

Therapy Review : Pain. Ablation. Joe

I’m quite close to chucking it all and heading to the emergency room for a shot of whatever that was they gave me the last time I was there. It’s been a week of high pain and vomiting. I hoped I’d last until it’s time for the ablation but I can’t stand it. Not only […]

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Anxiety Chronic Pain I'm only human Lupus PTSD Rag Doll Self Portrait The People Behind My Eyes Therapy Review

Therapy Review : Knowing Pain. Sorrow Dolls

Last week I made a statement in therapy that I had to reexamine. I said that all I know is pain. I’ve had Lupus since I was a child and I had my mother to deal with. Now I’ve got Lupus, other health issues and mental health issues, all very painful to live with. Maybe […]

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Anxiety Chronic Pain I'm only human Lupus The People Behind My Eyes Therapy Review

Therapy Review : Belonging

I told Dr D about my Nebula projector. He asked if I am feeling older and question my place in the universe. I certainly didn’t connect the two but he did. He mentioned that I turned 49 late August and that people in midlife begin to ask deeper questions about life and seek out stars […]

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Abstract Art Anxiety Art therapy Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

Anxiety. What if Painting

Of course my head has been everywhere. I don’t feel good at all and the pain of this is constant. At first I thought, it’s just more pain, something I can ignore. I still think that but this is a new pain so I worry about not knowing what the pain means. Is my stomach […]

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Anxiety I'm only human Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

A New Course

I’m in the process of changing all my care to one hospital system instead of trying to have a Family Doctor who gives referrals to one hospital and a Hematologist and surgeon at a totally different hospital. For the sake of being clear on which hospital I want to go to I’ll just call it […]