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Anxiety I'm only human Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

The Same Road

I saw the surgeon today. He didn’t smile much at first. I always try to read him when I go in. I asked if he had bad news. I said, am I going to have to do that fight again, another excruciating, painful time? He said yes. I said, you could have given that news […]

Categories
Anxiety Chronic Pain Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

Shoes and Pride

I went to the store today to purchase cat food for Joseph when I decided to stop by the shoe section to see if I could find something I like. It was suggested by friends and my nurse that I try buying 2 different sizes, one for the full foot, one size for the amputated […]

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Cats Chronic Pain I'm only human Lupus Major Depression The People Behind My Eyes

Joey

He’s a chatter box kitty but as sweet as can be. He sleeps on my chest and purrs. He gives me little cat kisses. This is my new buddy Joey. Joey is a tabby male, neutered and 9 yrs old. He’s calm and friendly to visitors. He doesn’t know a stranger. He’s got big, bright […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Chronic Pain Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

Where?

Where are my coping skills? Where is my ability to handle my health issues? I wish I could say I am emotionally better than the last time I was in the hospital but I’m not. I’m just as shocked and stunned asking, is this really my life? Seriously, they were going to take the rest […]

Categories
Chronic Pain Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

Emotional Exhaustion

It’s nearly 11pm. I’m still up thinking. I feel so desperate and depleted and tattered. Yes, I’m relieved I don’t have to do another surgery and I’m relieved that there’s no bone infection, but I’m also exhausted from the fight. Exhausted from keeping my head up as I tread the waters of chronic illness and […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Chronic Pain Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

No Osteomyelitis. Chronic illness is expensive.

I was tested twice more and the final answer is no. I don’t have a bone infection. No Osteomyelitis. The infection from the ulcer reached deep, but the bone wasn’t infected at all. I’m in the clear on that one. Also, after 2 months and much fuss, the ulcer is nearly gone. I’m not even […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Chronic Pain I'm only human Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

The Smile

I smiled every time the doctor or nurse walked in the room. I smiled at the Radiologist, Podiatrist, Hematologist, Wound Team and the vampire, blood sucking Phlebotomist. I’m not an easy stick and hate getting my blood drawn, thus the name calling. Anyway, I smiled at them all, genuinely, because I was greatful for good […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

Back from the hospital

I’m home now. What a scare. My foot is infected again. I went to the hospital and was admitted for 3 days. The wound turned black and scared everyone to death. I was originally diagnosed with a bone infection but the surgeon that amputated my foot as well as his partner disagree with that diagnosis. […]

Categories
Anxiety Chronic Pain Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

Stop that! And the fluffy, purple robe.

I reluctantly write this entry. Well, the CNA situation did end just days after I wrote that we had 2 good weeks. There was a lot of difficulty with attendance and an entitled attitude that truly got under my skin. However, when she quit a few weeks back, I allowed her to stay with the […]

Categories
Chronic Pain Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

Expectations

It occurred to me the other day that I expected to be healthier than this and more functional. I don’t know why I expected it but I did. It never occurred to me, even while in the hospital under those circumstances, that I’d lay here like *this,* feeling like *this*. What on earth was I […]