This painting covers several life events. It is true to the Sundrip style in that there are hidden people and objects, and done in abstract.
I appreciate photographing work in progress because it gives me a different perspective.
The ppainting is busy but it’ll come together soon.
Creating things has continued and it feels great. It has helped with anxiety and depression which right now is pretty high. Dr D has been checking in with me concerning suicidal thoughts. I am too close to that feeling of tossing in the towel.
I’d be lying if I said the figures in here are random figures. I seriously have to work on the bird. Lol
Tomorrow should be a day to celebrate. They’re going to deliver the electric wheelchair. I was approved the first time. I should be happy but it feels like a loss. It feels like a totally different way that I’ll represent myself to the world. I identified with the manual wheelchair. It’s been the only chair I’ve sat in for the last five years. No lounge chair or anything, just this. It took a while to accept how I’d represent myself to the world. I got comfortable in it but now it feels like how I represent myself to the world is changing. It’s so hard to explain what I mean.
In the manual wheelchair I did have to deal with people telling me I should walk and I could be cured. Representing myself as a manual wheelchair user was hard. I got a lot of pressure when I told people it’s not worth the pain to walk. It’s simply not worth it. 19 falls in a year was too much.
I wonder if people will pressure me to use the manual more than the electric? Seriously, who knew that friends would have to accept that I’m not ambulatory and that they’d take it so hard? Now I wonder if the electric wheelchair means they have to get used to seeing me in it.
I can’t express how much being a manual wheelchair user is wrapped up in how I identify myself. Now that identity is changing. I’m feeling like a loss. I hope the emotional transition is smooth. I’m sad right now though.
- I’m still taking all meds which is obvious by the weight gain.
- Dr D and I talked about how noisy it is in my head. The talking is incessant.
- Despite being teased, I’ve started looking for wheelchair ballet. I’ve found several tutorials that I enjoy.
- Someone recently told me to stop blaming myself for the nurse’s aides not working out. She followed up by telling me to stop always thinking I’m at fault. That was the company owner. Their last day with me is tomorrow.
- I’m pleased to be able to listen to music regularly.
- I go in to the dental surgeon about my broken tooth and other dental issues.
- The plants here are doing very well. I love seeing new leaves.
- Dissociation is regular, with lost time. Arial Little and Ariel Michelle pop out at inconvenient times. It’s noticeable but I don’t address it and they haven’t asked. Joan has been out more than me, Jordan.
- Anxiety has gotten so intense that I feel like I want to hold something in my left hand for emotional security. I have a tiny stuffed duck that I’m holding. I use to bring him to therapy all the time.
- I’m going out of town in July. Hotel reservations are set. I’m so excited I can’t see straight.
- Without friends and family this leg of my life would be too much to bear alone. It’s true that love can heal some wounds.
Faith w Jordan