I'm still awake, no sleep. It was another very, very long night of pain. I keep looking at that sentence trying to understand how I got through that. I would compare it to giving birth without any assistance, on your bed. My mind goes everywhere. I mean it runs all over the place trying to hide...trying to make sense of what's happening because honestly, it's almost unreal. It's like I can't believe my body is acting like I'm on some alien horror show where it's coming out of the hosts body.
I did just about everything I could to not think about this but it caught up with me. I panicked inside. I called my therapist. I played 50 levels of my favorite match three game and I cried for about 3 minutes. I feel humiliated...and I'm hungry. I would like a biscuit. I'd like to get my hair washed. I'd like clean clothes....meatloaf sounds nice.
The pain is in the area where she messed up my spinal block.
There will be someone here soon to help with clean up.
My eyes are all swollen and my vision is fuzzy. I just want to ball up in bed and sleep.
It felt like I had seconds before going from a level 8 to level 10 pain. Every move was calculated. Pull out liners, rest, grab heating pads from under the bed, rest, have water in sight, rest. I had to stop because every time I moved I spasmed from under the breast to my knees. I tried to work out the knots I could feel in my stomach and legs. I checked the electric cords, rest.
My eye sight goes so quickly at that time. Everything becomes fuzzy. I can feel the anger rise but I don't have time for it. I only have seconds between helping myself through hell or suffering without any comfort at all. ...continue reading "Getting to here and now"
I didn't think about much at all. I just did the things I love. It was a much needed day of solitude, a mini mental vacation.
She is a shining star, this furry one.
She melts my heart when she does the slow blink.
Mary Jane is an integral part of the process of slowing down to smell the flowers.
I've been working on my terrariums, adding this, removing that as well as letting them be.
I was told these are weeds. I don't know. What I do know is there are plenty in the yard of an abandoned, boarded up house and that they have done well in various terrarium set ups. A month or so ago I walked 8 blocks round trip to get these bad boys! ...continue reading "A day of solitude with the things I love"
I'm still awake, a bit nervous and going back and forth between wanting to isolate and feeling nervous. I've got YouTube playing as well as music on the ipod and a game on the tablet. It's as if there's so much anxiety I don't know what to do with it. I'm running emotionally.
I set up the new frog tank and listened to the Waterfall which sounded so peaceful. I considered laying down to relax and listen but I was afraid to let go.
I had a dream that my mother drove a car with my sister in the passenger's seat while I hung outside of the car enjoying the breeze. At one point I told my mother I wanted in the car but she refused to let me in. She sped up then turned a corner and slammed into a red car. In slow motion I saw my mother and sister sustain injuries they could not survive. I was thrown beyond the wreckage where I was in and out of consciousness. On a rescue gurney I asked about my family. They wouldn't answer. I was in and out of consciousness and realized I was dying. I knew better than to look at my body. I figured I was messed up pretty badly. I closed my eyes and slipped away.
In another dream the same night, I was a kitten in a feral community. My momma took me to an abandoned house where another cat brought her young kitten. The kitten curled up next to me to sleep. I thought it was the greatest thing ever.
I wondered if there would be a difference in how Mary Jane looked after she had her fangs removed and a few other teeth. She does have a look on her face like she's raising one side of her lip at you.
There's no way I could ever look at Mary Jane and see anything but beauty.
...continue reading "Physical Changes after Surgery"
I'm going to do a copy paste from my Facebook page.
Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who contributed or purchased art. It's appreciated. I tell ya, it came on time bc my girl is in pain and I can't stand it. Man, it's hard to watch her suffer.
BTW - when there is a need that I see on the net please know that even if it's $2 or $4 I will, do and have donated. It's been done for me. I strongly believe that one should share their blessings, it makes them sweeter.
Thank you again for helping my girl Mary Jane continue her life with me in a pain-free way. I'd like to add that a friend of mine here in Indy asked why the cost was so low bc her aunts vet was so high, my requested need seemed odd. The blessing in that is, the vet isn't charging me for anything but a standard cleaning with blood work and proper anesthesia. He is not charging me for extractions (3 in the mouth of a 16 year old kitty).
...continue reading "Funds Obtained"
I'm still working with different types of abstract. I did this while watching a video. I like the loose colors.
I've also been working with my palette knives but I thought it best to work in gesso for texture then add color over it later if desired. I've got a full gallon on gesso which I love working with.
Art Title: Abstract Hummingbird
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Media: Watercolor on 98lb artists paper
Size: 5.5 x 8.5
Finish: unsealed, signed on the front and back, unmounted
Style: Abstract, Nature
I've got an art sale going on for the Fang Fund, for Mary Jane's much needed dental work. Use the following code at check out. If you desire to use PayPal instead of Etsy please let me know and I'll create an invoice with the discount. All contact information is on the sidebar.
*** SALE --------- FangFund16 coupon code 35% off --------- SALE ***
Funds needed for her dental work started off at $250. The need is now $159.00. Thank you for your donations and purchases that stay in PayPal until all is raised to meet her need, then I'll stop begging. You can fully expect more intense begging as March draws near. I'm watching my baby in pain and it's difficult. I swear that's not a guilt trip, it's just the truth, I'm watching this girl hurt and there's not a darn thing I can do about it....other than paint and paint is what I'm doing. ...continue reading "Hummingbird Abstract. Rich. Watercolor."
Jane gets a bath today. Thank goodness for the Maine Coon in her or I'd need medical attention after. She still has all her claws and a fang. She does just fine with water. No fighting, no death threats or plans to assassinate me later...It's quick and simple. I dry her with an extra fluffy towel, brush her a bit then let her go.
She sulks some after she's seen her beautiful fur flat against her body in rat style. That's when I get the look, you've ruined my fur. I trusted you!!!! Look at me. I look like a rat. Just cause you have bad hair doesn't mean I have to.... She grooms in a panic but still looks like a rat-cat thing, then she goes to sleep. That's how bath day has always been for little Jane.
Now that I've written it all out it seems like a lot of work. Maybe I'll just take a nap.
...continue reading "My Pink Cat. Tea. Water Phobia Day 1"
I was somewhat angry and agitated about meeting with Dr Yes when it wasn't planned until the last minute. I feared abandonment with shaming. I also thought, I can go in there and talk to them calmly and see what can be done.
I got there. I put on my skirt and blouse, arranged my hair, got on the earrings, grabbed my shoulder bag and arrived on time. When I got there I was told it was a mistake, the automated machine called when it shouldn't have. They said, we do have your script though. I said, I really feel like I need to talk to Dr. Yes about the phone conversation. With four women in the room I said, do any of you know who I spoke to? Who was it that I spoke to extensively about the medication? All of them said it wasn't them. I said, I spoke to someone who was forceful and demeaning. One woman said, "You spoke to Robin." I said, okay. Still calm I explained that she questioned the script, told me I wasn't doing anything for myself and did I expect to take these pills for the rest of my life? I said to the woman at the desk. I'll have this illness for the rest of my life, but the point is, the way that woman spoke to me caused me to want to fire Dr. Yes because I thought that information was coming from him. She said, this isn't new, you need to speak to the office manager. I said, ok. The way I felt that day talking to her isn't the first time I hung up feeling horrible about myself.
Back in the manager's office I sent went through the entire store. The manager then said, "I've had enough of Robin, enough is enough." She explained that its not the first time and that the formal complaint will go in her personnel file. ...continue reading "On Attitude and Using One’s Voice"
I can't remember the last time I slept so long, still I crumple my hand over my face with high anxiety. I keep cupping my mouth and nose with my hands teepee-style. My eyes dart around the room as if I'm looking for somewhere to go, yet I feel better than I have in days.
My shoulders tingle with anxiety and pain. I place my hand open palm on the center of my chest and rock. I can feel tears want to come, but they don't. I feel wild. I feel better than I have in days, yet everything I just described I've done since I started trying to write this entry, who knows how long ago.
...continue reading "Sleep. Accomplishments."
Mary Jane needs another extractions. Her other fang needs to come out and other teeth need to be cared for.
One photo shows her with a fang already removed, the second photo is of my old cat on an old chair with an old soft toy and an old blanket.
As forward as it is, I want to say that any art sales from here on will go to the "Fang Fund" which needs $250.00. I will update the monetary need and I will continue to make art available in the following locations.
Need is now $211
*Available Art" galleries here on Sundrip
If you would like to donate even a buck you may send that donation to my PayPal email address at SundripJournals@gmail.com.
(Please do not make purchases from Redbubble as I will not receive funds in time to meet Mary Jane's needs)
When the $250 has been raised through sales and/or donations, I remove the note for need. $50 of the needed funds is what I currently owe the vet. $200 is for the full dental work and the other extraction.
Mary Jane is 16 years old and in good health, except for her teeth. She is in a lot of pain, pain I didn't realize was there until the emergency vet visit the other day.