Deeply Sad. Anxious. Empty. Unmotivated. Withdrawn. Fragile. Longing for my mother.

When I returned home I was exhausted emotionally and physically but I didn’t expect to feel deeply sad or to begin to miss my biological family. Right now I miss the idea of who my mother should have been. When I begin to miss that ideal mother I tend to want to buy an elephant figurine. I’m not buying one this time but I will trim and fuss over the plant dedicated to my mother. I’ll do some maintenance on it in hopes I smooth over this temporary spot of longing for her.

Even though I’m depressed and the world seems too big right now, I’m still going to stick to the plan. I need my CNA to help with my plans and to understand that her plans aren’t necessarily my plans. She thinks I should move to a one bedroom apartment. I think I should downsize items and stay here until it’s 100% clear to me that I should move. Right now my head says to stay put, just reduce items.

I know it will be helpful to get out of the house. I can go sit in the courtyard which is full of beautiful flowers right now. Our courtyard is great!

Food. Yeah. Gotta do that. I want a pork chop dinner more than I can say. Green beans, corn, mashed potatoes. I’m so hungry. I think tomorrow my CNA and I will concentrate on a good meal and a shower.

I have excellent care right now. I really do. I’ve been afraid to say that for fear of self sabotage. But, she and I work very well together.

Executive dysfunction is the rule of the day. It blows my mind how little gets done when there’s no CNA here. I can even get up and get a meal if someone calls just to talk. But left on my own I’m not very functional. I see that quality in the mother I used to know. She required another adult to help her function. I feel very broken knowing I don’t do much when no one is here. Sometimes fluid intake is as little as 12 ounces a day. That’s not an exaggeration. I drink enough to swallow pills.

So yeah, post vacation blues battles OCD, executive dysfunction, all in one head. Things will slow down and I’ll return to my regular levels of dysfunction. Until then I give myself grace.

I finally got another big teddy bear.

Sometimes I need something to hold while I try to sleep. The “thank you” is to my CNA for getting me up to Walmart where I got my new bear. We got a lot accomplished today.


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