I’m still trying to come to terms with the health scare.
I micromanaged every move for fear it would be my last. I thought about a journal I’ve lost touch with, a girl who wrote about the “indignity of death.” How is she? Where is she? I cleaned my room because no one should have to clean it up. I started to take out the trash but I was tired. Then I thought, if I won’t be here tomorrow I should turn off the heat, ya know? I thought about doing my hair then realized it wouldn’t matter. I never thought, I need to throw away this or that so no one finds it.
I moved items out of the room so that nothing worthy would be around me. Arrangements were made for the sale of my entire doll collection. I was pleased that people would be aided in literacy from 100% of the sales. Mary Jane was closed out of the bedroom, given food and water and had a place to live happily.
Then I laid down and expected to lose this battle with Lupus. Less than a month and I’m juggling appointments and trying to come to grips with the amount of things that need to be done before things are done.
I was resigned. I wasn’t afraid of upset, just resigned. That resignation was revoked and truthfully I’m a bit angry about all the pressure. It’s a little too complex to jump up and cheer. It’s surreal.