I was thinking about how many doctors have told me my body is resistant to treatment. Hearing that in my head made me think, well, if that’s the case then I’d better get to moving along before this treatment is rejected. At this time I’m able to leave the house. This treatment allows me to be 50% of who I used to be, which gives me 50% to work with untilÂ my body rejects it.
I’ve been switching personalities quite a bit lately. I have such strong feelings of uncertainty. Strangely enough, my schedule is more stable than it’s been in a long time, yet my focus is off, my ability to concentrate and complete one task is difficult.
I got out for a walk the other day and foundÂ some more moss for my 12 x 12 moss garden. I’m having a blast doing this. I like to watch things grow. I have grow lights.
Anxiety is intense right now. I want to get up, get my drawing pad and scribble some.Â I want to lay in the fetal position and rock. I want to go deep in my head where it might be quiet and where this anxiety isn’t so intense.
I’ve been going through some art to clear things out. Some is being kept, others tossed and some is being put in my shop. I found a collage with words that don’t really appear to connect. Being. Fall. Control. Salt. Then of course some of the words to a Macy Gray song.
I’ve been here before.
I’ll be back for more.
Maybe this time I can stay.
I am going to try my very hardest to stay in the frame of mind that I can live with what time I am given. If a treatment option is helpful for Â ,5 days then I have 5 days where life isn’t unbearable. I simply live. If I haveÂ 2 months, 5 years, whatever I’m given,Â I will live life to the fullest. Whatever time I’m given, if it’s every other day or every other month, I hope to accept, it not waste it. Dr. D and I will be working on the depression and grieving process. That has to be part of treatment because this can so easily suck meÂ under. I need to know how to fight the undercurrent. The undercurrent is the memory of all the doctors and the treatments that have failed. I don’t want to be sucked under and miss out on what I can do. Boy don’t those lyrics fit right now?
I was staring at the screen, eyes glazed over, thinking…. it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Now that my eyes are back in focus I’m thinking…… I’m not alone. I’m not by myself. I don’t have to do this by myself. I could never do this by myself.
Away 2 was included in My Face My Art.