I was searching through a catch-all art drawer. It’s got the stray button, string, cut paper, this, that and the other. Two days ago I was looking in that drawer, for who knows what, when I stumbled upon a split rock I’d written the word “hope” on. I put in on the table and kept looking. Then I stumbled on another split rock in a pear shape. When I put it next to the Hope rock my brain started ticking.

I am powerful – Hope

I abandoned the first search and concentrated on finishing the body to the figure. I used my own handmade beads for the hands. The 2 rocks are ones I picked up from the grounds of the nursing home back in 2018. I found 4 goose feathers I’ve had forever.

To top it all off I found a pop top that says, I am powerful.

Not for sale

I wrapped it with jute and glued it together with Mod Podge. I need to get a fine tooth comb so I can make the feathers neater.

This felt good especially since it was so spontaneous. I’m not the most spontaneous person in the world, I’m quite the opposite.

I hope I am regaining a little bit of trust. That’s the only thing that will allow art to flow from me again – trust. It never occurred to me to pray for trust but I have been recently.

Here’s what I was thinking – I firmly believe that when a person goes against nature that it hurts. At this point my lack of trust for anything at all prevents me from doing what is in my nature to do. I create stuff. I’m an artist from head to toe, however, I’ve not been able to do what comes naturally to me and it’s starting to hurt. I feel like a bird in a cage. Like the big cats at the zoo who pace back and forth at the bars. I feel that kind of anxiety since I’ve created so little.

Trust. I have to regain it. Courage is needed to trust. When it comes to art I need the courage to fail. I need self confidence so if an art piece doesn’t turn out I’ll keep it in perspective. The art piece didn’t turn out but it doesn’t mean I personally am a failure. All of those things changed during the hospitalization. The amputation is harder to accept and has affected my self esteem negatively.

I’ve commented that art was amputated too, but that’s not possible. But trust got shattered. I was walking my dog when my life forever changed without warning. How am I to trust “the moment” now? I don’t, not much.

I’ve been able to find relief from physical pain but my very core needs relief. The best way to sooth it is to create, trust and create. What is special about this sculpture is that its made from items I had before the hospitalization, during and after. The only part from this side of the hospitalization is the cap that says hope.

There’s so much work to do to regain my equilibrium. One step at a time, they say.


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