When all this first happened and for the entire 5 months, friends leaped to my assistance. I had more visitors than I knew what to do with. 🙂 I felt loved. Now that things are going back to my version of normal with Lupus, I fear being left and yet I know the fear is unfounded. My friends love me and I know it, and I know that they were there for me before all this happened. But there’s this fear that all the love and attention is going to stop, and I’ll fade right into the background and be forgotten. I like the feeling of being loved. It’s not entirely new but its new enough that with a taste of it I don’t want to let it go.
My heart is broken by grief associated with losing a part of me. It’s a big deal. Even though I’ll walk again there is a huge deficit felt. It’s what it must feel like to go to war and come back without part of yourself. I’ve fought wars all my life.
It’s going to take a while to settle my heart concerning recent events. It’s going to take a while to feel like I can breathe. Right now I’m so close to the events that I’m waiting for the other shoe to fall. I’m waiting for blood work to come back and say I’ve got to go inpatient. I’m waiting for my legs to go numb, for my leg to swell and show I have another blood clot. I’m waiting to hear the words, “We’ve done what we can do.” There’s still fear that it’s going to happen again. Lupus is a ticking time bomb!
I know I’ll move on. I know I’ll heal emotionally, but I have many fears right now, fears I can’t deal with alone. Physically my friends have my back. They were on it but now we move into what they can not see. I just hope they don’t forget to look past skin deep.