A person can’t live in this world and be innocent. It took me a long time to understand what innocence means. The day it was taken from me I understood the meaning of fear and began to question trust. The day it was taken from me and the subsequent assaults that held it before me like a worm on a hook, I began to understand what it means to be vulnerable and without control over my environment, helpless, completely dependent on others for my safety. I understood what it meant to be worthless and bad. When I was innocent I had no concept of these things. That’s what innocence is, having no reason to doubt, fear or question the stability of your little world.

Innocent is a mirror before it’s broken.

When I was innocent I saw the world from the eyes of a child, a child who had wishes and playmates and smiles. I use to walk the earth confident, care free, doing all the things girls do. I used to think everything was okay. When I was assaulted I realized how destructive humans could be. I understood the damaging power of unrestrained anger and bitterness. I understood and felt that I was to blame for my small world crumbling to bits. I was to blame for being worthless so I began to manipulate my environment to regain what I’d lost. Before the loss there was no reason to manipulate my environment to make it better. There was no reason to prove my love or prove that I’m not dirty or that I could keep up with an ever changing reality. There was no reason to do anything but dance about like children do.

Innocence is so far away from me now that I can’t see it. I can’t feel it. I’m angry. I’m afraid.  I am tortured by all the pain others willingly inflict on each other. I feel it so viscerally. Now I am forty five years into fight or flight with an emotional temperature set on high, constantly.

I’m exhausted by putting forth so much effort to prove that I AM NOT WORTHLESS.
I can’t see a reason to hope without fear or love without injury.
I cannot trust you. I’ve learned to doubt. I have a reason to be weary.
I can’t trust my body, my own body.
I feel so lost and pulled under. I’m so tired.

I’m very, very tired now. I’m tired now.

An list of words to describe innocence

Naive– natural and unaffected; trusting, innocent.
Inexperienced – having little knowledge or experience of a particular thing (in this case there was little knowledge of bad in the world)
Trusting – showing or tending to have a belief in a person’s honesty or sincerity; not suspicious. (Not suspicious of the man who said he lost his dog or that he has candy in his car. Not suspicious of parents who once came in the room without harming but now they do.)

No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.