Month: November 2022

Wheelchair Life: Grow Where You Want to Grow

Posted on by F.Magdalene

I’m in my feelings today. I feel very limited, if not left behind. I’m mad at wheelchair life right now.

I truly enjoyed being at the park with friends for a bonfire back in October. That was so healing. Right now though, I long to wander, to hike trails and sit under a tree with my dog. I miss that today.

P17fieldfma - on the easel

I hope to get an electric wheelchair soon which would let me get to the front of the building, down a very long ramp then finally on the sidewalk. The sidewalk stops at the property line. No sidewalks. That’s a problem. We’ve lost 2 residents in 5 years bc they rolled in the street. I’m not doing that. There’s simply no where to go off property that’s wheelchair accessible.

I can’t tell you the longing I have to go outside my window and get to those beautiful rocks. I was told that our screens raise up. I don’t have to take it out then struggle to get it back in. I’ll have care again soon so I might test that.

The best way to manage my aching heart here is to do something for others. I feel like a trapped animal right now. Well, let me get outside this trap by reaching out.

Sitting in the grass keeping my problems in perspective

I’m so happy to say that my pen pal list has maxed out. It’s full. I actually have 20 letters that go exclusively to the elderly in nursing homes. They write back 🙂 Also, all the spots for plant homecare / babysitting are full.

I just added a monstera deliciosa from a wonderful person who needs nursing home care due to dementia. These’s a spider plant, monstera, rex begonia and an African violet that I’m looking after. Most are of memory care patients but one is from a person who takes care of her grandfather who has dementia.

It feels good to help with their favorite plants that they’ve taken care of for a long time. It’s something I can give to my friends who have been so giving to me.

There’s a plant that belonged to three generations of very lovely people. I’m so honored! Being able to take the plant torch is an amazing feeling.

Faith

Life in Pictures – The Assignment

Posted on by F.Magdalene

My abandonment issues have raged since the exit of the CNA I adored. She’s been gone for a week now. It’s affected my trust issues, paranoia and OCD issues. Going through the week with her knowing she would be gone in a few days was rather difficult.

I can feel the anxiety and emotion in my throat. I’ve been dealing with it by concentrating on art, plants and the cat. I’ve done so very little volunteer work. Argh.

Poor Joe is going to need a lightweight shirt to wear for the winter. My menopausal symptoms have affected heating the apartment. I can’t take this heat! I had it so the heat would come on at 65 degrees even while I have an 8 inch strong wind fan blowing on me. It’s not good right now LOL I’ve only turned the heat on about 3x since the season changed. How is it possible to be anemic and have hot flashes hourly, daily!

There was a day again where Joe seemed to have trouble with his front paws so I made him a bed, this time it’s on the floor. I would have made a box bed for him but my cat hates boxes. He doesn’t get in them. As a matter of fact, Joe runs when he sees a box or plastic bag. Yeah, he’s odd.

I thought I’d try to track the barometric pressure so I can kind of anticipate his arthritis pain and mine. Getting too cold will only make matters worse for him. I hope getting a lightweight shirt will help. It needs to be light bc cats can overheat too easily.

When Joe isn’t wearing his shirt I could let him use his bed with a safe heating pad that auto shuts off every 2 hours. I can set it to a low temperature and put it under his blankets, like I did last time.

I’ve done nothing more with designing Frog Mansion. It’s set up nicely but it’s not finished. I’ve done nothing to the Tomato Frog Apartment 🙂 I’m not calling it that LOL It’s just that it pales in significance beside Frog Mansion where my Australian Green Tree Frogs live. Anyway, I intend to work on it at the the beginning of December, at which time I’ll also add more soil and leaf litter to the Mansion.

Putting many of my houseplants in the mansion didn’t give back as much space as I thought but it has helped me simplify my watering system. Now I water plants 3 days out of 7 instead of daily. And it only takes anywhere from 20 min to an hour to water. I love how simple it is now.

I’m uncertain if I spoke of my hope plant. I’m seriously in love with this plant bc it’s name is my favorite word; hope. It’s in the peperomia family, which I’ve come to enjoy lately.

I would be lying if I said I’m not going to buy more plants but I will say they’ll have to wait bc I’m going to need paint. I’d like to get to Hobby Lobby but I don’t think it’s going to happen. It would save money though. I’ve never purchased from their website.

I’m stuck on the art piece in the photos because I now regret adding the ghost-like memories leading to and through the house. I’m not certain how I’ll make it look right. I’d remove them if so many other images weren’t dependent on the ghost-like memories.

I’ve got a completed painting that I’m determined to completely seal by Monday. I seal paintings in very small areas at a time because I don’t want pooling, running or gaps in the seal. I’m not going to spray it, so it’ll take a little time.

I’m not sure why I’m procrastinating. In general I’m not a procrastinator but I’ve been putting this off for 3 weeks. I’m having trouble letting go. I think I’ve been unsettled and I’m holding on to things.

To also unsettle me are the recent mass shootings, three back to back with a horrific quadruple knife murder. I don’t even know how to process this stuff and manage my own horrors.

I check the news online once a day, from various sources.

I will continue to have zero friends on my Facebook page so I can limit the amount of exposure to politics and the hatred it produces.

Despite the fact that the world has gone mad, I feel 99% like my normal depressed, anxious, dissociative self. Do I feel strong? No. I feel prepared and supported. I feel I better understand this part of the assignment.

Faith

Doing new things in this old life

Posted on by F.Magdalene

For the moment all is quiet in Frog Mansion. I’m exhausted and frankly over it. I guess the only thing left is for everything to grow in. The frogs are certainly enjoying the extra room.

I put together a 5 gallon aquarium as my prop box for plants I’ll use in building terrariums offered on Marketplace.

Poor Joe had a bad day. He was hurting just like me. I set up a little bed for him with a heating pad that I can set the temperature and the amount of time I want. It may have been overkill but I made sure he had one area cooler than the other so he could move if he wanted less heat. That’s his favorite blanket right there. Fortunately he’s doing much better.

I’ve been able to get out a bit more which has been tiring yet wonderful. I’ll be able to work at the carts that Jehovah’s Witnesses stand at downtown and in public areas. Yay! I’m going to be at the carts. I’m so excited! I love it. I love it. I cleaned the wheelchair really well. Got the wheels shining. Lol

Tonight I was able to laugh and joke with friends. We were all in a huddled in a circle just laughing with each other. It was great.

It’s so helpful to be able to get out of my little home and share with friends and strangers.

Tonight I felt my age which is not common for a multiple. But we were talking about being young in the past tense. We talked about how the young never expect to get older. I especially never thought about all that would stop working at 50. Wow. I think my left knee retired at 50. What happened to my teeth? My eye sight left the building, too. Excuse me but, I’m not ok with my hair thinning! Is it medication taking its toll or menopause, or both? Are my kidneys and heart getting in on the havoc, too? Gracious.

Menopause is still kicking my butt. It’s tearing me up! Wow. I’ve figured out that my symptoms peek every 3 weeks and that the most difficult symptoms to pop up are irritation and rage. That’s harder to manage than the constant brain fog.

Oh my gosh, the cravings. I was all over chocolate for like 2 months now I can’t live without popcorn. I’m stocked up on ACT 2 Extreme Butter as if we’re about to have a popcorn famine. I have to stop bc right now I still don’t have high blood pressure or high cholesterol. That might change if I am unable to get these cravings under control.

Another menopause issue is how easily I gain weight. It’s like the person across the table is eating cake but I’m the one who gains the weight. Due to kidney stuff and other health issues, I don’t even eat but 4 meals out of 7 days. My body is storing fat and water bc of how often it goes without. This has been a problem my entire life.

I am unable to tell when I’m hungry or thirsty. I never recognize hunger until it dawns on me that it’s 9pm and I’ve had nothing at all to eat. Today’s water intake is less than 20 oz of fluids. It’s not good at all.

I grab a cup of jello or apple sauce then go to bed. That’s it, for days in a row. I would be lying if I said I’m going to try to do better.

For some reason, the thought of using an alarm to remind myself to eat angers me. It feels like I’m being forced to do something I don’t want to do, use energy to make something to eat. After the hospitalization it became difficult to eat alone. I don’t know. It’s not good.

Art. I’m working on details in my new paintings. I’m correcting lines, adding cross hatching and shadows.

This is complete

One painting is complete. I’m so happy about that.

I llike the butterfly on her wrist

I’ve been processing the amputation in art. The above painting shows an amputation as well as another piece I started.

For the first time in forever, I need paint. It feels odd buying art supplies for some reason. I wonder if I’ll feel the same excitement when opening the Amazon box? I guess we’ll see.

Well, while nothing in this life is perfect, I’ve got few complaints right now. I’m ok, I think.

Faith

Art. Frog Mansion. Future Pets.

Posted on by F.Magdalene

What an exciting few weeks!

Art. I’ve continued to work on the three paintings. I’ve been able to sketch to help with anxiety and menopausal fueled rage. That’s been an issue for sure but I’m searching for ways to manage it.

The essential oil called Peace and Calming by Young Living has been instrumental in helping me not lose it when stupidity finds me. Stupidity always finds me. Menopausal rage and stupidity don’t mix well. I’m all but huffing Peace and Calming or their Lavender essential oil to remain calm …. and out of jail. I told my nurse practitioner that I’m going to end up in jail with how upset I can get over stupidity. I said, I can’t afford jail. She said, there’s always crowd funding. That is solid medical advice. Lol

One of the issues with painting is privacy. There is very little privacy in an efficiency apartment which means people can see artwork that’s drying. People can be so critical of my art and I’m very sensitive to such criticism. I want to give myself a little more privacy and shield myself from unwanted viewers by installing a curtain that completely sections off the bedroom area. I’m purchasing this on the 3rd so I don’t feel so exposed. I can put drying art in the bedroom area behind the curtain and feel a lot more private. Only having a nurse’s aide 3x a week has been helpful bc it provides more private time.

Frog Mansion is in the works. This project is huge! I’m waiting until I have more money and I’m a tad bit more organized to start making everything permanent in this set up.

It’s going to be insane keeping the glass clean. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed by size of the tank and of the project itself. I think once I get the drainage layer in (which I have obsessed over) and lay down the substrate I’ll feel a lot better. Today I learned I should add active charcoal to the soil instead of putting it with the leca in my drainage layer. I’ll do that.

If you zoom in you can see my frog Lentil sitting on a tree branch, halfway down, to the left. Here’s a close up of my girl sleeping.

I have no idea why Joe is sitting this way. He’s an odd boy. LOL

I’ve been isolated with Joe since March 2020. He’s been here for 3 years now. Now when I leave he cries at the door. When I come back he’s clingy. Still, I’m enjoying our relationship. He’s such a good studio cat and wonderful, cuddly friend – even if he does love the wine colored blanket more than me. He traded me for a soft blanket so I call him trader Joe.

Possibilities. Last but not least, while my current CNA is frightened by flying bugs like gnats, she’s full on for me getting a tarantula. And yes, she absolutely can bring her snake to work, though I doubt she will. Just let me put my cat up first. Lol

There’s a strong possibility that I’ll get a spider but I doubt it’ll be a tarantula. There was some talk about another praying mantid or snails. Those are the pets we’re considering for the not so distant future. 🙂 We’ll see.

Any entries with snake or spider photos will have a clear title so as not to shock anybody.

Until soon,

Faith

Bonfire. Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Posted on by F.Magdalene

Bonfire. The most exciting news is that I was able to go to the bonfire my friends had. It was wonderful! I got to pet a cute puppy ??. Then when it got dark the kids put glow sticks on. They made glow stick glasses, ears and bracelets then played tag in the dark. It was one of the most pure things I’ve seen in a long time.

Sitting there with my friends I thought back to when I asked why I even survived the events of 2018. Life was unbearable and I wonder why on earth I survived just to feel so hopeless. Now the public health emergencies have ended and I don’t need to isolate any longer. So I went to the bonfire and laughed with friends I’ve known from 10 to 30 years. There were smores, BBQ and innocent fun. That is why I survived 2018. Moments like the night of the bonfire, that is what I survived for!

I was in the hospital 2 weeks ago which totally freaked me out and triggered PTSD issues. I managed it though.

I had the opportunity to put my feet in grass again, which was the first time since the amputation. Unfortunately, I can’t feel the grass anymore, there’s just not enough feeling in that foot. Later I thought about how I can put my palms in the grass instead of trying to feel it on the surviving foot. It’s also come to my attention that I can do grounding / earthing with the palms of my hands …… I find it interesting that when primarily people of color didn’t wear shoes it was a reason to call us uncivilized. Now it’s earthing / grounding.

DID and Mental Health Its noteworthy that during my mental health breakdown during the pandemic, I had a split. I’ve done so much work integrating but I’m susceptible to splitting again, and I have. I talked to Dr D about it bc I recognized 2 people here who had been integrated. It’s taken a few months for me to be certain that Maureen and Crystal have split off again. I’m not a doctor so I can’t give specifics on how, but I’m 100% certain of it. I’m kind of embarrassed.

It was the assault that sealed my decision not to further integrate. I have who I have. Lol. Of course I’m staying in therapy, it’s just not with the goal of integration.

So this is my long, drawn out entry about all that’s happening over here on Sundrip and in the last few weeks. ???? Some things are trying, but I’ve made a lot of progress on the new psych meds. I’m pleased with the spot I’m in. I can now stand to be in my skin.

Thanks for hanging in and reading my updates.

Until soon,

Faith