Fifteen days total but halfway through I began to lose myself to the constant and extreme pain. My medication cocktail sometimes caused me to see dragons and aliens. I’d been in intensive care for the bilateral pulmonary embolism and life threatening blood clots. I was about to begin a chapter of life I’ll never forget, one that has left physical scars and emotional pain. What I’ve decided to do is express some of those experiences through art.
The first experience in multi media is called Three Birds.
Half way through ICU care I was losing it. The doctors worried I’d have to go on dialysis. My kidneys were shutting down, my heart was in trouble too. I was in trouble and I knew it so I asked my God, “Are you with me?” I needed to know if He knew his servant needed his comfort and approval.
Are you with me, because I’m losing it. I was so scared. Because of my condition, I was unable to feel from the chest, down. This meant I couldn’t walk or move. I could looked up at the ceiling, from side to side and out of the window. I noticed though, that there were never any birds around the building. I asked about it and was told that because I was on the 8th floor, the birds wouldn’t come up that high. Also, there was a helicopter pad that scares the birds away.
It would have been comforting to see birds because I hurt more than I have ever hurt in my life! I cried, screamed, slept and prayed. It was a mental challenge I would never meet unless I had the favor of my Heavenly Father. So I asked for a favor. I said, “If you are with me, please send birds to my window.” I told my friend of the favor. She just looked at me and said,” Uh huh.”
Maybe a week and a half later this doubting friend and I were in the hospital room together when three black birds flew up to my window. I gasped, pointed, and said,” He sent them!” She saw them too. They flew right up to the window. I couldn’t believe it!
That hospitalization is the hardest thing I’ve done in all my life. It tops every experience for pain and mental pressure, but I was given a helping hand from the one who Created me.
The painting shows a black child figure reaching. It has three large flowers. Is she throwing them away or pulling the flowers toward herself? You decide. The flowers represent high levels of mixed emotions too difficult to manage. In this painting they also represent physical pain. Her head is full of dissociation, but she has her three birds, and confidence that her Creator will support her, whatever the medical outcome.