I can’t believe I left the “T” out when sketching. LOL In my defense, I was in the hospital. I had to slide the “T” in as best I could.

I’ve not heard back for my primary doctor to clarify if he wants me 100% non weight bearing now or if it’s ok to stand regularly to encourage healthier blood flow to my legs. The hips are shot but I’m not sure about the legs. I wonder if it even matters at all if I stand more or get leg massages. The quality of my blood is poor. It’s like watered down gasoline in my tank. Does it even matter if I turn the ignition at all since all I can send is a low quality gasoline. I’m feeling a little helplessness right now, and hopeless.

Monday was a very difficult day in my head. It was so bad that for a minute I thought I might need a friend to come sit with me. It’s good I don’t keep weapons here. I needed to silence the repetition, the obsessing and intensity that took over. I’ve started the Luvox for the OCD but it’s only been a week or so.

I’ve learned quite a bit from the book I’m going over with Dr D. I’m still dumbfounded that OCD and other neuro divergent issues interfere with my interpersonal relationships. Wow!

In addition to recognizing obsessive thoughts, I’ve been able to stop some. I fully understand how counting backwards helps reset the thought process. That works for me. It’s also helpful to speak to myself out loud, to take a prayer break, wash my face and to doodle. I’ve got a few things here that will help manage OCD symptoms.

Right now the most troubling symptoms are ordering and rearranging. I still do this daily. Cross contamination in the kitchen and restroom. Interesting enough, I don’t have many issues with cross contamination in my living area or bedroom. Heck, I’ll eat a sandwich knowing I have acrylic paint on my hands. Yes, I’ve eaten Prussian blue! But I can’t handle it if I go into the kitchen with the same sandwich and same acrylic paint on my hands. I flip out. I’ve got to get out of the kitchen to “safety”.

I’ve been told that finger pressing and fingertip rolling is associated with OCD. I’d be very interested in knowing if verbal miscommunications are a regular difficulty or if I’m just a poor communicator. Omgoodness, my issues with a toothbrush are recognized as symptoms of this disorder. I adjust things incessantly until it feels right, including parking my wheelchair. I read, re-read and edit again until my correspondence is exactly right.

Knowing how bad things are in this area makes me wonder if I’m ever going to be stable emotionally. I know there’s no chance I’m going to wake up physically healthier but I don’t want to feel so powerless and overwhelmed like now. I wonder how on earth I’m going to tackle OCD and win. Please let this medication make a big difference in the amount of upset I feel as it relates to obsessions and compulsions.

I’m using words like “spectrum” and “neuro divergent” very loosely when applied to my actions. I’m not being diagnosed with autism or anything. I think my OCD issues will touch those areas regularly but it’s still OCD that I’ve been diagnosed with and that I’m currently being treated for with medication and talk therapy.

I feel a lot of self blame for some of my issues. I feel hopeless that anything will change soon enough to make a difference. I’m interested in understanding my issues but for the life of me, I have to wonder if understanding and working on it even matters. I’m 51 yrs old. I’ve been in quality therapy for 15 years for PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder. I assure you I won’t spend another 15 yrs going deep inside myself to correct matters. I’m tired… and I’m angry. It feels like it’s too late to truly make a difference. I want the change but I wonder if the fight is worth it?

I feel like I’m in the big clothes dryer of life banging around the drum with no energy left to put up a struggle. It’s the sheer magnitude of physical and emotional issues that makes me think, why bother.

Faith (Joan)

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