I recently read that it is common for a person to ruminate after they go to bed. I also read that people who are depressed, have PTSD or an anxiety disorder will ruminate with certain themes.
Our negative thoughts lie and accuse us of being worthless, a fake and unlovable. These are age old lies that plague in my head as I try to sleep.
The issue of my head bringing up all my faults in the middle of the night is more than just a meme. Having your brain go into obsessive overdrive at night is torturous. You lay there tired, near tears, feeling close to the edge of insanity. It feels totally mentally ill and it eats away at my dignity and self respect.
Understanding that it’s a legitimate mental health issue gave me a little power. I did some reading and realized I have a measure of control. I can either stop it or at least interrupt the unyielding torrent of memories, faults for the last 10 years and worrying about one sentence from a 45 minute conversation that I may not have worded correctly.
Armed with a plan, I confidently crawled into bed and tried to sleep that night. Right on cue my head started. It took me a minute to realize I was ruminating again, and it was cruel. Instead of feeling like there was nothing I could do about how bad things were going to get, I immediately said out loud – O I don’t think so! I thought to myself, “I don’t have to lay here and listen to this. That last thought was cruel as well as 100% inaccurate.” I briefly corrected the thought, turned over and went to sleep.
So what about tonight? Why am I so worried about turning over? Heck, I’m in bed right now. Why do I still fight sleep so hard? I have things to do tomorrow. I’d like to be rested………
Fear, it’s the emotion I feel the most anymore. I’m afraid of what my head is going to do. I’m afraid to let go because I’m afraid of what I’ll feel.
Faith, while those statements are spoken truthfully and are valid, they are issues we personally feel are best managed during the day when we’re not tired and susceptible to emotional dips. Tomorrow let’s write a little about what we think might happen if we “let go”. What emotions do you think might flood us if we let go? Be specific. That’s what we will do tomorrow but tonight it is better to remind ourselves of where we are in time.
Ah, Faith, girl, it’s 2022. Your life has changed significantly. Things aren’t the same at all. The biggest difference is that we… are…. safe. Yup.
We will close our eyes in peace because we can. Please, log off, close your eyes and rest for now.
You are well loved