I’m having nightmares regularly. and heightened anxiety. I go over potential questions I might be asked by family, so I can get the answer just right. These are the symptoms that have increased since I’ve been back in touch with my two aunts. I can’t sleep without a book or music playing or I panic. Turning out the lights and laying in silence doesn’t happen. I’m much too anxious!
I don’t want contact with them anymore but I also don’t want to burn a bridge or write a text saying I don’t want contact. I just want to disappear. I feel bad bc I’m the one who initiated contact, again.
I’m angry with them.
I wonder if they will show up here if I don’t answer their texts, at all? I think of my aunt who travels so much, she would really be uncomfortable in the hallway of my apartment building. The building isn’t even close to what it was before the pandemic. The floors are disgusting. The walls are disgusting.
My space is small but clean. It smells good. No critters of any kind. My aunts would still be judgemental of my space. That judgement would suffocate me like a 50 pound blanket thrown over me. Their words and looks would hit right to the core of me; just like other judgement and unsolicited negative opinions.
After waking, I deal with my CNA who is unable to feel empathy for anyone and enjoys upsetting people. Sometimes she shows me a side of her that makes me feel unsafe. Friday was one of those days.
Today is Saturday. I’ve been in bed. I’ve not gotten up. The world seems too big and angry right now. People are so wicked.
I’m certain as elections loom, I’ll have less time on the internet.