Content – Anxiety. PTSD symptoms, sexual assault discussion with no violent details. Anger / worry.
Anxiety is so much so that I allow myself to rock in my chair. It’s not fast, quick rocking like I’m about to explode into who knows what. It’s the kind of rocking done when there is deep pain coupled with anxiety. My anxiety is out of hand …..
I hope to order some Delta-8 gummies from a company that has gummies with more indica than stavia. Maybe that’ll help with the anxiety. What I have does a great job for pain but zero for my anxiety.
I talked to Dr D about my general feeling of being unsafe.
I realize I have a set, clear marker between me and the rest of the world, no matter who they are.
When I first purchased an area rug to make a clear spot for my bedroom in a one room home, I did so for decorative purposes only. But it quickly became the area I feel most safe in. The line between blue and tan carpet made me feel safer when unpredictable CNAs were here.
After the assault my personal space, invisible to others but still there, increased around me to a visible marker. Do not pass the blue line! Unfortunately, I respond this way to safe friends who love me and would never hurt me. I unfortunately give off clear signs to stay back. I don’t tell my friends in words not to cross the blue line but my body language says it. I stay in the bedroom area whenever anyone is here. I talk, laugh and interact from behind a clear line drawn in the sand.
When the assault first happened I swore I wouldn’t allow it to erode well earned trust. I didn’t realize it had.
I haven’t seen many of my friends in person in 2.5 years. Now that I’m seeing them again I feel as if I’ve returned a different person, one soiled and torn. I don’t feel clean enough to hug them. I feel too dirty for them now. I feel disgusting. It feels like opening my arms to friends and accepting their hug would be like giving them the impression everything is as it was. It doesn’t feel like it though. It feels like I’m going to somehow contaminate them by touching them….. so I don’t. I don’t accept their hugs. I just let them think it has to do with covid precautions.
Dr D and I talked about how I feel about the animal that assaulted me. I told him, I wish he was dead. I said, you know, as much as I despise the ground Donald Trump walks on, I’ve never wished him dead. When Trump got covid I prayed for him because I realized how devastating his loss would be to his horrific family. His getting covid called for a moment of humanity for a man I hate. But as for the person who dare alter how I trust even safe people – Yeah. I wish him dead, period.
Obviously I’m not going to kill him, I’m just saying I hate him enough to look forward to his last breath. I don’t think Dr D expected that answer but it is truthful.
Last but not least. I’m going to do a 5 gallon fish tank again. I’ve gone long enough without the peaceful flow of water here. I’ve been thinking and planning because my home feels incomplete without a Betta fish. I had them in the old apartment and I had one while in the nursing home. It helps and I’m going to get one very soon.