Category: Media

Panic Attacks

Posted on by F.Magdalene

I’m not sure what my problem is but I’ve been having panic attacks lately. Today’s panic attack included holding my chest, fast breathing and vomiting. I’m not sure what is causing it but it started over a week ago. I talked about it in therapy.

I’m doing some deep breathing as well as keeping my eyes open so as not to close into myself. I’m hanging out with the cat and watching the aquarium fish. I’ve also done several journal pages.

Wine in time

Wine in Time is done in watercolor and ink in watercolor paper pad. 7×10.

Panic Scramble

Panic Scramble was created with acrylics and ink in a watercolor paper pad. It’s also 7×10 inches.

Faith

Work in Progress: The Rescuer

Posted on by F.Magdalene
WIP rescuer new fma
The Rescuer

I started this painting a few years ago but just couldn’t get it so I used gesso and removed everything I want to change. I’ve put the painting on the easel and will turn it and look at it from all angles for the next few days. This will help me to know which direction I’m going with it.

In my little studio apartment I’ve got all the art I’m working on sitting out. This means my CNA and other visitors can see it. I’m not all the way comfortable with this but there’s basically nowhere to put work in progress other than right here in the open so I can see it. I used to have my studio in my bedroom and had all the privacy I needed to work. I could hang work in progress without anyone seeing it. That’s not the case anymore.

Today the nurses assistant saw the piece The Rescuer and said, “This has to mean something. You didn’t just put anything on paper. This has to mean something to you.” What she said wasn’t critical at all just inquisitive. Because the art is just out there I can’t say anything about her viewing it but it still puts me on the spot. It feels like I’m exposed. I’ll have to get used to that because I have no intention of moving to a bigger space where I’m afforded more privacy. This is home. Super tiny yet perfect. Gotta work with it.

So what does The Rescuer mean to me? I look at the person in blue and see myself being pulled up. I see the person in brown as me, too. I’m pulling myself out of a sea of past memories, past abuses. What is the large head facing the left? That is me also. It’s the only figure with some noticeable features. She’s looking away from all she needs to be rescued from.

The painting will become more and more personal I’m sure. I hope to work in the evenings and let it dry over night so that I can place it in a spot that doesn’t spotlight it. Even if this doesn’t happen, I’ll eventually become more comfortable with others viewing art that is personal. I don’t have to give any information on it. I can always say something like, “It’s a fantasy piece” or “It’s just surreal type artwork, don’t read too much into it.” Whatever I say, it doesn’t have to be all my business. However, it would be a good idea to have my comment in mind before I have to use it, this way I can say it naturally and cut the conversation short.

I look forward to finishing The Rescuer and seeing what comes of her. I’ll post it when she’s finished.

Faith

The Invisible Children

Posted on by F.Magdalene

The Invisible Children is a haunting and surreal scene of sunflowers at night, a full moon, ravens flying and figures in the flowers at the base of a large, bare tree. It is a dark, fluid piece, full of small details.

The Invisible Children

Art Title: The Invisible Children
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Media: Acrylic paint, ink, paper
Size: 5.5 x 8.5, unmounted, raw art

Please visit me in my Etsy shop for original art, such as above, and handmade dolls.

www.Sundrip.etsy.com or contact me at SundripJournals@gmail.com for a PayPal invoice.

Thank you for visiting Sundrip

Faith

What If. Art Thoughts.

Posted on by F.Magdalene

All ‘what if’ roads lead to nowhere.

I got to thinking, what if I get this art table but I still don’t paint? Then of course my head took off, so I decided to sit in my wheelchair at the dinner table and paint a ‘what if’ road map.

What If. All what if roads lead to nowhere.

What if I struggle with the idea of changing my apartment to something new? Do I want to deal with this change?

After flipping out a bit I realized that I am more than ready for this change.

Black Swan. Change.

I’m going to set aside $50 for the table now so that next month I can add the other $50 and make this much needed adjustment. The art table I have now is simply too tall.

Until I get the new art table I’ll use the dinner table very, very carefully. I use my dinner table for letter writing too and the last thing I want is for it to look like an art table with paint all over it. It’s already old and beat up but paint spill free. I’m ok with spills and such on the art table though.

Dr D asked if I think my art will change subject matters once I truly paint again. Well, we’ll see soon, won’t we?

Jordan

Sunflower Visions

Posted on by F.Magdalene
sunflower visions fma

Title: Sunflower Visions
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Medium: Watercolor and colored pencil on watercolor paper
Size: 9 x 10 inches, 
Finish: Signed, dated, unmounted
Style: Surreal, Abstract, 

Art details: Sunburst, faces, swirls, eyes and hands reaching out are just part of what you’ll see in this colorful, jam packed art piece. Lively orange, vivid purple, lime and sage green glow beside sunflower yellow. This is a visual feast, a mindscape, a surreal watercolor art piece. 

“Sunflower Visions” and other original art can be found in my Etsy shop at www.sundrip.etsy.com. You may also contact me for a PayPal invoice.

Thank you for visiting SUNDRIP – Art for Life

Wild Things

Posted on by F.Magdalene
wild things fma

Title: Wild Things
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Medium: Acrylic collage on heavy cardstock
Size: 9×12 inches, 
Finish: Sealed, signed, dated, unmounted
Style: Collage, Surreal, Abstract Figurative, raw

Art details: Cut outs of my own art have been arranged to create “Wild Things.” Sunflowers, koi fish, African faces, Asian faces and more have been mixed together in a wild collage. This is a visual feast, a mindscape, surreal art piece. 

“Wild Things” and other original art can be found in my Etsy shop at www.sundrip.etsy.com. You may also contact me for a PayPal invoice.

Thank you for visiting SUNDRIP – Art for Life

Art Therapy Work

Posted on by F.Magdalene

These pieces were worked on in the last two weeks. There’s been a lot of art lately but hardly any of it has hit the internet. I’m falling behind on it, however, today there are a few to show.

They’re all four different from one another. Creating them was quite emotional, especially the last piece when Robert spoke with Dr. D about some difficulties he was having.

The black and white mask is also by Robert. The other two are by Michelle. All are created in watercolor. The last one has crayon as well.

Today in therapy we talked about how difficult it can be to sit here with our CNA day after day and not have her know a thing about our DID. Today two of our snails died just before the CNA arrived which means we had to just swallow it down and not think about it. That’s difficult for a kid who just lost her pet. It can be difficult for me, Jordan, to stay out for 6 hours, 6 days a week but so far it’s happened. So far we’ve kept our secret.

Jordan

The Grumpy CNA

Posted on by F.Magdalene
words fma

Content: Suicide. Blood. Emotional angst.

Cruel Words was painted by several of us. What strikes me is how affected I was by the suicide of the CNA’s friend.

In the drawing there are heads blown off the people in the trees. That’s a first for drawings and hopefully the last. I know the kids inside were very affected by the suicide. Having her cry in our arms that way was very heavy.

I fired my regular CNA who had cruel words for me. Anxiety is already high for us, we don’t need to worry about the mouth of our CNA and what she will say that’ll hurt.

The grumpy CNA is pregnant with three weeks left. It is entirely possible that her change of attitude is purely hormonal, however, the irritability and weariness she caused couldn’t be tolerated. It is also true that I can’t justify asking an 8 month pregnant woman to lift my wheelchair and take me to the doctor. I feel horrible asking her to do my laundry or run the sweeper. The girl is tired and irritable! Dang!!!

I like her but the change in her isn’t safe for my personal issues, ya know? I talked to her about why I fired her and she said she knows she’s hormonal and understands. I even told her it’s about time to take maternity leave because she can’t be at my house when her water breaks. lol. I can’t handle that. I don’t know nothin about birthin no babies.

Firing my CNA was the right thing to do. I was walking on eggshells in my own home and that can’t be. So, on to the next chapter in the CNA Saga.

The art piece was created in watercolor and is 7.5 x 10 inches on 98 lb paper.

Robert

Mental Illness and Demons

Posted on by F.Magdalene
Fish Face Insanity by Sundrip

My neighbor has Schizophrenia. A different neighbor says it’s not a mental illness but that he has demons. She inaccurately applied Scripture, which I quickly corrected, but its still on my mind and still bothers me.

She has no idea what comments like that do to a person with a mental illness. Though I corrected her, its not my job nor is it my desire to be the grand educator. I don’t want to sit down the ignorant and set them straight, I just want to fight my battle without their words spinning in my universe.

When she said he has demons I thought to myself, she should never find out that I have Multiple Personality Disorder! That for sure would make her think I have Legions of demons in me.

disolve by robert Sundrip

When younger my mother used to tell me that my demons were upsetting her. My mother knew I had DID when I was at least a young teenager. She knew Morton by name and called him a demon. She said I’m possessed because of being a bad person. That too has stayed with me. I fight with the thought, that I’m a bad person, but I no longer fight the fear of having demons. My mother’s reason for saying it wasn’t ignorant beliefs it was cruelty and abuse. My sister knew I had others, too. She used to call out a young one to play. I don’t know if she still remembers that or not.

You know, I got to thinking, mental illness isn’t for the weak or ignorant. A person with a mental illness has to be one of the strongest people around because we have to fight tooth and nail just to keep our head above water. Then you add life events with it and you’ve got yourself one serious storm. We are not weak for having a mental illness, not even close.

The drawings included were created in the last few days as a way to survive myself.

Robert

Sketchbook Pages: Uprooted

Posted on by F.Magdalene
uprooted sundrip

I feel uprooted. Everything is different. My home is great but I’ve not laid down roots here. Most of my possessions are new because the old got thrown out. The only photo of my father that I had was thrown away accidentally. It is gone forever and it hurts.

My dishes, terrariums, plants, shoes, bed, sheets, furniture, everything is different and new. My frogs are new, fish are new. No dog or cat anymore. Heck, my laptop and phone are even new. I realized I have few things that I am emotionally attached to because I’ve not had them long enough. It feels like everything has new roots, nothing is stable, consistent, long term, dependable. 

I’m new. I’ve changed physically and emotionally. My eyes haven’t stopped watering since the amputation. They water nearly non-stop. 

I feel like I’m complaining but all I’m trying to say is that laying down new roots at 47 is difficult.

Outlook sundrip

Art supplies are new. Again, these are observations not necessarily complaints. I love my new art supplies, especially the Winsor and Newton watercolors seen in the photos. Winsor Newton puts out a superior product that I totally love and yet there’s a feeling of sadness because they don’t have longer history with me. It would seem their only history with me is the hospitalization. 

It hurts my heart to think that what all the new things have in common is trauma. So I’ve got to try and change that view to one more positive, something like this: All the new things are associated with SURVIVAL not near death. They are evidence of life, of a future, of deep, deep roots that helped me walk to this very day. 

Jordan