Medication – I saw my Nurse Practitioner Friday, over Zoom. She and I talked about the excessively low Valium dose she gave me of 1 mg once a day. That is less than half of a normal script. I asked her why she even bothered at the all. She said she was just trying to be safe.

During the session she suggested certain medications that are way off base for me. I was irritated but quiet.

At the end of the session we agreed to continue the course, stick with the plan of changing from Cymbalta to Trintellix. I wrote a quick note, agreed to see her in a month and we hung up. I wasn’t happy with how the session went but I chalked most of it up to me being unsettled in life instead of a true failing on her part.

About 2 hours after the session the NP sent me an email saying she’d like to talk again that day or over the weekend. We had much needed conversation and clarity about the earlier session. At that point we decided to abandon the transition to TrinteIlix and start Wellbutrin immediately. I agreed to try it. The NP is now aware that I will flat out refuse medications if it’s not appropriate for me or I feel the risks are too high.

I am hopeful that relief of some sort will come soon …. any relief, soon, is needed.

There’s a marked difference in pain as I gradually discontinue Cymbalta.

I’m taking a bit of an in-house vacation. Right now I honestly can’t trust that I’ll be able to manage dealing with most people in a calm manner. I’m angry. I’m in despair. I’m not even seeing my out of town guest.

I’m depressed and anxious. I’ve spent a lot of time in bed but I’ve gotten very little sleep. There’s little motivation, drive or focus. I’m getting little accomplished. I just need something to change. Hopefully soon.

Random Homecare Thoughts

What’s for dinner?
  • When I’m able to eat, I’ve really enjoyed being able to make my own meals with disability friendly tools.
  • I get teased (still) about what types of food I eat.
  • I recently realized that I too criticize or make snarky comments about what others eat. Do they feel put down, too?
  • I don’t like when people focus on my differences including food, but it happens often. I’m going to have to get used to it. I’ve decided to ignore them. Perhaps others should choose better foods.
  • Boundary problems have arisen. Some are an easy fix, one issue is a little more involved.
  • A friend, without consulting me on anything at all, ordered decorations for my restroom that she thought would be pretty. I said no. That same friend rearranged about 10 of my plants so that they looked better to her, until finally I said, enough. She thought she was being helpful. I felt she was taking over. Another time she suggested I move a decoration but I said no. This conversation happened several times but she still came with a special hanger for my decoration that she wants to hang in a different location. I said no again. She’s the only friend who has pulled this. She thinks I should keep my blinds closed so no one can see in. No.
  • I never, ever expected care with my friends to be perfect. I’m pleased with the vast majority of it but I’ve recently had to set down the same boundaries with friends as I needed to set with CNAs. 1) You will not rearrange anything, especially when I object. 2) From here on out, I will not change the thermostat for anyone.
  • Despite a few issues, this type of care is exactly what I need. It’s a relief to know they’re coming.

Finances – I’m genuinely concerned about putting food on my table. I’m pleased that I’ve got some cushion but it’s very little and dwindling quickly. When Indiana was under a pandemic emergency, I qualified for $200 a month in food stamps. Now that the emergency order has changed, I’m getting $54 a month.

It’s been helpful to continue to use Amazon Fresh for the bulk of grocery deliveries, but it’s not always cost effective.

This is an interesting existence for sure, and though things are tight financially I hope to always be willing to share.

I believe I’ll always have enough.


No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.