Well, I didn’t see that coming

Trust can be destroyed in one afternoon. The CNA that I like said I talk about my health too much and that worse has happened to other people. She’s tired of hearing about me trying to snap out of that nightmare. She said 5 years is long enough. I should move on. Yes, it’s been 5 years in time but for me it was last week. It might as well have been last week, especially since the loss of blood supply to both hips is a continuation of that time.

I’m not sure why she decided to be so cruel. Then she left. Now she’s back and acting like nothing happened. I thought she understood the totality of the situation. Also, she said I’m not as disabled as I say I am. All that happened in one day now she’s returned as if nothing happened.

I know for some, I didn’t get enough amputated to be a “real” amputee. All the judgement is insane.

Wednesday I’m going to the zoo with aunts that I haven’t seen in 30 yrs.

Back to the hospitalization… I hesitated after mentioning the zoo. I tend to note things as before the hospitalization and after the hospitalization. Going out with two people I don’t know, like my aunts, is something I wouldn’t have flinched at before. But in my mind this is another first since the hospital. For the first time, in my new body, I’ll be with total strangers out in public. This feels big.

Going out in public with no caregiver is scary. I wonder if handicapped restrooms will be clean enough for me to change myself in? Most of what I want to see is inside a building, out of the heat.

On a totally different subject, I’ve gained so much weight. I knew when I started on two of my meds that I’d gain weight. I couldn’t stand life in my head so I accepted the two psychiatric medications. I’m just packing it on. I hate it….. It is what it is.

I’ve got a financial issue. I can’t afford my vitamins. My insurance doesn’t play for them. There’s no way on earth I can stop taking them. Folic acid 800 micrograms, Vitamin D3 1000mg, Calcium 600×2, Vitamin C 2k mg. I’m going to try to get them at Walmart. I can’t believe how expensive living has become. Just wow.

I’m out of all vitamins but I’m just going to keep doing what I do in hopes something turns around. I’m going to keep painting to fill my shop and I’m going to keep writing letters like I always do. It won’t help to stop and worry.

Wednesday when I go to the zoo, my CNA is going to come on her day off so she can help me get to the front of the building and in their car. She’s going to come back to help me back inside. This is the CNA who told me to stop talking about the hospital. I asked if she knows why I still talk about it. Because I’m still traumatized by it.

This CNA has a lot on her plate right now, a lot! I hope she just had a temporary snap. We’ll see.

I wasn’t able to get the big plush frog that I wanted. It’ll be something to look forward to further down the line.

I’ve got to get up. There’s tea and cookies to be had. There are canvases waiting for paint!

Feeling – like zoning out, angry, uncertain, sadness

Faith