In addition to lower extremity damage there are scars and open wounds that you can’t see. I doubt my dignity can be repaired.
I’m hurt by the CNA who told me I talk about this too much. Others have been through more, she said. At the time she said it she was dealing with her step son’s death. So she came back today and during the session her phone was blowing up bc her nephew got shot.
I feel like my stuff doesn’t matter to her. How dare someone tell me where I should be in my head after 2018. She told me to stop talking about the hospitalization. I said I’m still traumatized. That’s why it keeps coming up. I’ve still got issues from it. I told her the 2 issues – Avascular Necrosis and Pseudotumor Cerebri – both are a result of the issues I had in 2018. So tell me how to move past something that hasn’t really ended.
It feels like I need to write down a list of what’s wrong in order to justify my experiences. I’m not going to do that.
I feel shamed by her. I can see this coming to an end. She shoos me away with her hand. The CNA has become very dismissive.
The other fight is that I had dinner with my 2 aunts that I hadn’t seen in 30 years. For clarification purposes I’m going to call them Dr Aunt and Traveler Aunt.
After they shared some of what they’ve done, I showed them a few art pieces on my phone. Dr Aunt looked at one of my dolls, showed it to my Aunty Traveler. Eyes rolled and a light huff before going to the next image.
Dr Aunt said she really liked the next piece and did I really do it. I said, sure did. She asked, is it color by number?….. No. I don’t do color by number…. At no time will I ever get credit for anything I do. Not from them. Thirty years later and they still can’t bring themselves to offer any level of approval. Thank goodness I wasn’t really looking for it.
Later in the evening I was literally asked to prove my faith. No kidding. Traveler Aunt asked how someone would know if another person was a person of faith? I was firm with my answer…..I didn’t expect the question but I’m pleased with how I answered.
I enjoyed my meal but not the company. Traveler Aunt has been to 40 countries in her life. She’s been to all the US states except two. I’m impressed by that, yet saddened. You have seen that much of the world and have that type of life others would love to have but you lack joy.
Spain is on her calendar again. I’m certain Dr Aunt has become her traveling partner.
The evening saw some biting comments and hidden stress. I’m confident I made the right decision to leave and stay gone.
The snobbery. Wow!! And all the ‘rules’ to follow so they don’t become vicious and call me those hurtful names like liar and disrespectful. Those are strong words that feel branded on me by people willing to ignore and deny the truth that all my cousins share. The truth is, they were abusers. I wasn’t a liar. I wasn’t a disrespectful child. I, like my other cousins, were horribly abused. Don’t act like some of the scars don’t belong to you.
Faith