Category: The People Behind My Eyes

Doing new things in this old life

Posted on by F.Magdalene

For the moment all is quiet in Frog Mansion. I’m exhausted and frankly over it. I guess the only thing left is for everything to grow in. The frogs are certainly enjoying the extra room.

I put together a 5 gallon aquarium as my prop box for plants I’ll use in building terrariums offered on Marketplace.

Poor Joe had a bad day. He was hurting just like me. I set up a little bed for him with a heating pad that I can set the temperature and the amount of time I want. It may have been overkill but I made sure he had one area cooler than the other so he could move if he wanted less heat. That’s his favorite blanket right there. Fortunately he’s doing much better.

I’ve been able to get out a bit more which has been tiring yet wonderful. I’ll be able to work at the carts that Jehovah’s Witnesses stand at downtown and in public areas. Yay! I’m going to be at the carts. I’m so excited! I love it. I love it. I cleaned the wheelchair really well. Got the wheels shining. Lol

Tonight I was able to laugh and joke with friends. We were all in a huddled in a circle just laughing with each other. It was great.

It’s so helpful to be able to get out of my little home and share with friends and strangers.

Tonight I felt my age which is not common for a multiple. But we were talking about being young in the past tense. We talked about how the young never expect to get older. I especially never thought about all that would stop working at 50. Wow. I think my left knee retired at 50. What happened to my teeth? My eye sight left the building, too. Excuse me but, I’m not ok with my hair thinning! Is it medication taking its toll or menopause, or both? Are my kidneys and heart getting in on the havoc, too? Gracious.

Menopause is still kicking my butt. It’s tearing me up! Wow. I’ve figured out that my symptoms peek every 3 weeks and that the most difficult symptoms to pop up are irritation and rage. That’s harder to manage than the constant brain fog.

Oh my gosh, the cravings. I was all over chocolate for like 2 months now I can’t live without popcorn. I’m stocked up on ACT 2 Extreme Butter as if we’re about to have a popcorn famine. I have to stop bc right now I still don’t have high blood pressure or high cholesterol. That might change if I am unable to get these cravings under control.

Another menopause issue is how easily I gain weight. It’s like the person across the table is eating cake but I’m the one who gains the weight. Due to kidney stuff and other health issues, I don’t even eat but 4 meals out of 7 days. My body is storing fat and water bc of how often it goes without. This has been a problem my entire life.

I am unable to tell when I’m hungry or thirsty. I never recognize hunger until it dawns on me that it’s 9pm and I’ve had nothing at all to eat. Today’s water intake is less than 20 oz of fluids. It’s not good at all.

I grab a cup of jello or apple sauce then go to bed. That’s it, for days in a row. I would be lying if I said I’m going to try to do better.

For some reason, the thought of using an alarm to remind myself to eat angers me. It feels like I’m being forced to do something I don’t want to do, use energy to make something to eat. After the hospitalization it became difficult to eat alone. I don’t know. It’s not good.

Art. I’m working on details in my new paintings. I’m correcting lines, adding cross hatching and shadows.

This is complete

One painting is complete. I’m so happy about that.

I llike the butterfly on her wrist

I’ve been processing the amputation in art. The above painting shows an amputation as well as another piece I started.

For the first time in forever, I need paint. It feels odd buying art supplies for some reason. I wonder if I’ll feel the same excitement when opening the Amazon box? I guess we’ll see.

Well, while nothing in this life is perfect, I’ve got few complaints right now. I’m ok, I think.

Faith

Art. Frog Mansion. Future Pets.

Posted on by F.Magdalene

What an exciting few weeks!

Art. I’ve continued to work on the three paintings. I’ve been able to sketch to help with anxiety and menopausal fueled rage. That’s been an issue for sure but I’m searching for ways to manage it.

The essential oil called Peace and Calming by Young Living has been instrumental in helping me not lose it when stupidity finds me. Stupidity always finds me. Menopausal rage and stupidity don’t mix well. I’m all but huffing Peace and Calming or their Lavender essential oil to remain calm …. and out of jail. I told my nurse practitioner that I’m going to end up in jail with how upset I can get over stupidity. I said, I can’t afford jail. She said, there’s always crowd funding. That is solid medical advice. Lol

One of the issues with painting is privacy. There is very little privacy in an efficiency apartment which means people can see artwork that’s drying. People can be so critical of my art and I’m very sensitive to such criticism. I want to give myself a little more privacy and shield myself from unwanted viewers by installing a curtain that completely sections off the bedroom area. I’m purchasing this on the 3rd so I don’t feel so exposed. I can put drying art in the bedroom area behind the curtain and feel a lot more private. Only having a nurse’s aide 3x a week has been helpful bc it provides more private time.

Frog Mansion is in the works. This project is huge! I’m waiting until I have more money and I’m a tad bit more organized to start making everything permanent in this set up.

It’s going to be insane keeping the glass clean. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed by size of the tank and of the project itself. I think once I get the drainage layer in (which I have obsessed over) and lay down the substrate I’ll feel a lot better. Today I learned I should add active charcoal to the soil instead of putting it with the leca in my drainage layer. I’ll do that.

If you zoom in you can see my frog Lentil sitting on a tree branch, halfway down, to the left. Here’s a close up of my girl sleeping.

I have no idea why Joe is sitting this way. He’s an odd boy. LOL

I’ve been isolated with Joe since March 2020. He’s been here for 3 years now. Now when I leave he cries at the door. When I come back he’s clingy. Still, I’m enjoying our relationship. He’s such a good studio cat and wonderful, cuddly friend – even if he does love the wine colored blanket more than me. He traded me for a soft blanket so I call him trader Joe.

Possibilities. Last but not least, while my current CNA is frightened by flying bugs like gnats, she’s full on for me getting a tarantula. And yes, she absolutely can bring her snake to work, though I doubt she will. Just let me put my cat up first. Lol

There’s a strong possibility that I’ll get a spider but I doubt it’ll be a tarantula. There was some talk about another praying mantid or snails. Those are the pets we’re considering for the not so distant future. 🙂 We’ll see.

Any entries with snake or spider photos will have a clear title so as not to shock anybody.

Until soon,

Faith

Bonfire. Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Posted on by F.Magdalene

Bonfire. The most exciting news is that I was able to go to the bonfire my friends had. It was wonderful! I got to pet a cute puppy ??. Then when it got dark the kids put glow sticks on. They made glow stick glasses, ears and bracelets then played tag in the dark. It was one of the most pure things I’ve seen in a long time.

Sitting there with my friends I thought back to when I asked why I even survived the events of 2018. Life was unbearable and I wonder why on earth I survived just to feel so hopeless. Now the public health emergencies have ended and I don’t need to isolate any longer. So I went to the bonfire and laughed with friends I’ve known from 10 to 30 years. There were smores, BBQ and innocent fun. That is why I survived 2018. Moments like the night of the bonfire, that is what I survived for!

I was in the hospital 2 weeks ago which totally freaked me out and triggered PTSD issues. I managed it though.

I had the opportunity to put my feet in grass again, which was the first time since the amputation. Unfortunately, I can’t feel the grass anymore, there’s just not enough feeling in that foot. Later I thought about how I can put my palms in the grass instead of trying to feel it on the surviving foot. It’s also come to my attention that I can do grounding / earthing with the palms of my hands …… I find it interesting that when primarily people of color didn’t wear shoes it was a reason to call us uncivilized. Now it’s earthing / grounding.

DID and Mental Health Its noteworthy that during my mental health breakdown during the pandemic, I had a split. I’ve done so much work integrating but I’m susceptible to splitting again, and I have. I talked to Dr D about it bc I recognized 2 people here who had been integrated. It’s taken a few months for me to be certain that Maureen and Crystal have split off again. I’m not a doctor so I can’t give specifics on how, but I’m 100% certain of it. I’m kind of embarrassed.

It was the assault that sealed my decision not to further integrate. I have who I have. Lol. Of course I’m staying in therapy, it’s just not with the goal of integration.

So this is my long, drawn out entry about all that’s happening over here on Sundrip and in the last few weeks. ???? Some things are trying, but I’ve made a lot of progress on the new psych meds. I’m pleased with the spot I’m in. I can now stand to be in my skin.

Thanks for hanging in and reading my updates.

Until soon,

Faith

Uncertain Title – Work in progress

Posted on by F.Magdalene

Several years ago I painted two sisters on vacation. They were under the hot sun in summer dresses. There’s a whimsical feeling to it that makes me smile. But the painting / collage of the mother and two children in this entry, gives off an entirely different emotion for me.

When I look at the cropped painting below, I see a family that has traveled a very long distance. What drove her to walk across inhospitable terrain with children? What they are seeking must be worth the danger and inhospitable terrain. And then there’s still this question; Has the family successfully made the journey or do they have further to go?

The mother’s hair branches out like a tree while the hair of the children is circular. I see a difference in the expression of the children, too. The other thing I see is a family that’s held on to tradition for a long time.

I’d say the most striking part for me is the amount of movement, contrast and texture in the whole of the painting. The background itself could tell you it’s story, if only it knew where to start.

I really enjoy using parts of my own art as collage pieces. I use cut outs from art I did, but it didn’t work out. I keep a box of those art pieces so I can use it for something later. I’m working on two more collages in different stages of completion. I think collages speak to me right now, but that’s an entirely different blog entry 🙂

What should I name this piece? I have no idea at all. I’ll have to figure it out soon because this is a piece I don’t intend to keep.

Until soon,

Faith

Words to yourself matter, choose them wisely

Posted on by F.Magdalene

Over a week ago I saw my nurse practitioner. We talked about the PTSD from the hospitalization in 2018. I told her that I just can’t paint anymore. I added, “When the legs failed and my foot was amputated, so too was the art in me.” Well, I’ve said that before. I’ve been saying it for nearly two years, but that time I truly heard myself say it and I knew I believe it. That’s a problem for me. Don’t tell me I can’t do this anymore. I was mad at myself. How dare I speak to myself that way?! I can’t be the person I was born as? I won’t accept that.

Point blank, I was born an artist. That art comes in many forms; culinary arts, painting, making dolls and creating terrariums. I’m driven to make things in an artistic way. The only way I stop being an artist is when I stop breathing. It was close back in 2018. Even still I want to be in an artsty urn. It’s already been chosen cause y’all can’t put me in any ol’ thing. I’m just happy I’m not in said artsy urn right now.

When I realized I actually believed that I can no longer paint, like I said, I was mad. Later that evening I got out my paints and started painting. While painting I remembered saying something very important to myself – It doesn’t matter if it’s good, just enjoy the process. That’s the moment things changed.

It doesn’t matter if it’s good! I was willing to have the art piece fail and that is significant. Before getting new depression meds and having a little more clarity, I was too afraid to fail. It felt like I was a failure instead of the art piece not working out. But this time I didn’t internalize its possible outcome. That’s how I know I’m in a different space. I was able to separate the two. I’ve been painting for over a week now. I’m risking a bit more and it feels good.

I didn’t die in 2018. I’m still an artist through and through. Regardless of any amputation, there’s no way to amputate my art. I can’t tell you how relieved I am. I worked hard to get to this day. Oh my goodness I worked hard from the day they told me I wasn’t going to make it until this day. I’ve worked hard. It hasn’t been pretty, at all. Some things I messed up beyond fixing. I know I’ve hurt people by spilling anger or responding while unhealthy instead of just walking away. Why did this happen? Because I’m a speck of dust like everyone else and I do and say reckless things. But I am not a vicious person, just a profoundly imperfect one battling mental health and physical health.

I understand something now. You’d think I grasped this four years ago but I didn’t. I understand that I didn’t die in 2018.

My entire life changed. I can’t walk anymore but I’m alive. I’m extremely limited, but I’m alive! The person I knew myself to be left the hospital and the nursing home, then moved here. I don’t need to be afraid to live.

I was living this life of “why bother, I’m just going to fall over dead anyway. ” I was afraid to live, make attachments and risk a little because I just didn’t want to lose anything else. I feel like I lost so much in 2018 that the thought of losing anything else was unbearable. I was afraid to live. I’m in a better spot but I’m not OK. There’s so much more physical healing and emotional healing to do. I no longer worry I’ll have to endure it without my art.

What I’ve learned is that I believe the words I say to myself. I know you reap what you sew. If I plant tomatoes I get tomatoes. It works that way with words too. I was planting fear in my garden and that’s exactly what I got. Words matter. What I say to myself matters.

Art work – The painting changed quite a bit from when I started. It’s a collage now. And true to form, I’m working on multiple art pieces at once. My studio mascot Joe Schmoe is helping with quality control. He’s such a good studio cat and mascot.

I’ve been putting art in people’s homes since 2007. My 2023 art goal is to fill my own walls with my artwork. It’s time I did that. I’ll give an Etsy update soon.

Speak kindly to yourselves,

Until soon,

Faith

Gratitude: Relief

Posted on by F.Magdalene

While learning to live in a COVID world, I’ve begun to venture out and meet new people. I met a woman who was in the segregated south and was living in the thick of historic moments many only read about.

I’m grateful for the loyal love and patience shown to me at this pivotal moment in my life.

My friends love me enough to want to rescue me. They love me enough not to, but to instead walk with me or offer guidance.

I’m grateful for personal acupuncture and vagus nerve therapies. Some of the therapies associated with my ears have stopped panic attacks within one minute. I wear an adjustable helix or daith cuff (ear cuff) to assist with pain management.

I purchased a Trigger Point Stimulator Tool which I highly recommend. It’s been helpful in relaxing neck and side muscles. Sciatica be gone! The one I purchased explains that there are “two crystals inside will create a small electrical stimulus that mimics acupuncture and helps release trapped energy.”

I have enjoyed more peace of mind as of late than I have in a long time. Peace of mind and happiness are not a constant state of being, instead an accumulation of moments.

I’m grateful for plants. I so love plants! They help me focus my thoughts and do something positive with my anxious energy.

Joe has turned out to be a wonderful service animal. I had to look it up if cats can detect and alert illness because it sounds so strange but, three times Joe has loudly demanded that I wake up.

The other day was the 3rd time he insisted loudly, with screeching, that I wake up. I knew what he was doing so I sat on the edge of the bed. I used my rescue inhaler then took all my vitals.

From Senior Cat Wellness

Long story short, he woke me while I was having an asthma attack with terribly low blood pressure and very fast heart rate. When my sitting heart rate went above 106, Joe began to alert me with that horrible screech.

To prevent me from going anywhere, Joe parked himself behind the wheel of the wheelchair and refused to move. He was clearly focused on me with huge, huge pupils.

Begging for ice-cream

When I had to use the restroom I carefully got in the chair. Joe walked beside the chair all the way to the restroom as if he was escorting me. Maybe an hour later I was so tired that I had to sleep. I felt comfortable sleeping bc Joe was watching over me.

Joe with a paw on my leg

How on earth did I score a senior cat who can naturally detect pulmonary issues? I couldn’t be more grateful.

Faith

Pet Woes

Posted on by F.Magdalene

Content: My frog died

Its been trying around here. First one of my frogs passed away then the tank itself got broken by a friend.

It feels silly to feel so sad over the death of a frog but this really hurt.

I especially liked Clyde because he was named after the dog I had before the hospitalization. Clyde the frog was a bit of a character. He made me laugh. If there was a bunch of commotion in the terrarium I knew he was in the middle of it. He was my ADHD frog.

Clyde as a baby

I believe it was Wednesday just before talking to my therapist that Clyde’s issue went from bad to terminal. He went from a beautiful color of turquoise to dark emerald green with lime green spots all over. That’s a bad thing. Then he stopped eating or soaking. He started looking for places to hide under. He tucked his head and he sat there.

He ended up with a bacterial infection because the temperature and humidity went haywire. These frogs will be 5 in October. I did everything the same for close to 5 years but suddenly, out of nowhere, the temps wouldn’t stabilize. The temperature was too low and the humidity was way too high, which is what facilitated the infection.

I went to my frog group but they were so unfeeling that I left the group. However, several people messaged me to assist. Long story short, the tank stayed at low temp high humidity for 7 days before the fix came along. That was too much for Clyde and he passed away. His brother Sam is now struggling but the other two are just fine.

Just like I’d do with any other animal, I sat there with him for a minute. I went from shock and disbelief straight to guilt and sadness. I apologized to him. I wanted so much to provide a full, happy lifespan of about fifteen years. He was in my care. It was a hard day.

The tank was the next thing to manage. I ended up purchasing $70 worth of equipment for the tank to stabilize the environment, but I first had to tear down the entire terrarium, disinfect it and put it back together. Well, my friend and I decided to put it back vertically instead of horizontally. We completely rebuilt it and turned on the heat. Well, guess where the heat bulb was placed? On the top panel directly touching the glass.

It sound like a gunshot when it cracked. Honestly, I was in too much physical pain, too physically tired, too emotionally spent to invest any emotional energy in the situation. It was as if I saw a wall come up and place a boundary between me and anything emotional the situation might require.

As I sat there with little expression, she looked at like, “OMG I broke her tank. Should I run?” My calm response was, “Don’t worry about it.” I’m still not angry. I’m overwhelmed.

One of the small side panels now has a large crack / shattered area in the center. While that panel of glass was still too hot to the touch, I had her semi-seal the “crack”. She put clear 3M packing tape on the inside of the panel, with a spatula. It melted. I had her do the same thing on the outside. As it cooled we added more clear tape in rows- neatly! We then stood the tank up and kept going. I need a new tank ASAP.

While the tank was being handled by morons, the 3 remaining frogs were treated with a topical antibiotic and placed in a sterile environment. The recommended medication was $90 but I paid $0 because I already had some. Dodged an expensive bullet!

After the tank was functional and all the frogs were put in, I noticed Sam was more than stressed. He’s stressed when handled. He doesn’t like it at all. Then I put meds on him and crammed him in with the other two frogs. Hours later I put him in a completely different temperature and set up. He doesn’t look good and I’m really worried.

I hope with everything Sam pulls through

When I told Snow that the tank is broken she asked if the friend was going to pay for it. I said no. I told her that sadly, I was going to do the same stupid, ignorant, common sense defying thing she did. I was going to hook it up the exact way she did. So it was six of one, half dozen of another. Either way, that tank was getting broken by one of us lobotomy victims.

It was so dumb. When I sit and think of it now it’s so obvious. LOL I wonder how many people just lost respect for me now that you know I seriously was going to put a heat source directly on glass. LOL. I may need her to contribute to the cost of a suitable vertical terrarium.

Marketplace may be a good option for me at the beginning of August.

Stand and wait

Posted on by F.Magdalene

I will wait

I know how it feels to be so broken that it felt as if I’d die where I lay. But it’s true, if you hang on for one more day the urge to act in a permanent way will not be as strong.

When I couldn’t pick myself up, even after the wait, I reached out and my friends reached back. I’m grateful for that.

Faith Austin – Sundrip

A Joe Schmoe Update

Posted on by F.Magdalene

As Joe Schmoe recovers he’s getting away with murder. LOL This furry, green eyed boy seriously rules me.

Joe prefers the right side of the bed, well that’s also the side I want to sleep on. If he’s already sleeping there I won’t move him I’ll just sigh and grumble as I sleep on the left. If he’s sleeping comfortably on the blanket I’ll wait for him to get up.

When I was making all sorts of concessions and adjustments for the boy I knew then I’m wrapped around his paw, tightly.

I can get wrapped up in the blankets like a burrito hugging a pillow, but my zen moment will be interrupt by his paws walking across my back and over my head. He’ll ignore 3 other pillows just to try to fit himself in the crook of my arm hugging the pillow. Several times I’ve given him that pillow and hugged another only to have him find a way to be part of the moment. Lol

Joe, the Sundrip studio cat, is definitely improving since his stroke. He was so…. absent for awhile….. physically alive yet absent. It’s a relief to see his personality come out.

Joe is back to

  • thinking his food bowl is empty bc he ate a hole in the middle and he can now see the bottom of the bowl.
  • to standing half hidden behind a curtain in some creepy stalker way, observing me from a far, as I use the restroom.
  • Resumed his hobby of bombing Zoom meetings
  • and critiquing my art. He takes his job as studio cat very seriously.
Joe – Sundrip Studio Cat

I figure he’s going eventually going to be 100%.

My hard lesson has been learned.

Faith – Joe’s mom