I can’t seem to get myself to truly paint. It’s as if I’m stopped up. All I seem capable of is painting shapes and simple figures or dripping paint down a page. I keep doing it though.
These are all watercolor and ink on 8.5 x 5.5 paper.
Filtered .
Category: Anxiety
A Quiet Day and The Need to Be Needed
Today is a quiet kind of day. I’m a tad bit on the depressed side. I think the poem is heavier in truth than anticipated. I just starting typing and stopped when I was done.
Monday will be here quickly and it’ll be time for therapy again.
I’m physically tired with very swollen feet. I’ve had them propped up for awhile. It hurts to walk.
I’ve got a few financial concerns but in the end things seems to work out. Every bill is paid in full. The cat has food, Pete has food and Pickle will have more on Tuesday.
My first and most intimate lessons in communication
This is a borrowed conversation.
I listened to the first 3 min of a video where a person was talking about how well they treated their significant other, but it wasn’t appreciated. I could only bear a few min of it. What got me the most was that she said, I’m not perfect but, you guys know me, ……..” I figure, if a person starts a conversation with, “I’m not perfect but…” then you can be pretty sure they’ve done something they need to apologize for. What she said in those few minutes got me thinking about the way I think and the way I communicate.
My first and most intimate lessons in communication had to do with figuring out what was expected of me from a woman who had a singular agenda that did not include me. My first and most intimate lessons in communication included weaving in and around insults or crafting my statements to avoid being accused of disobedience. My chief instructor, the person responsible for every aspect of my life, was crazy.
I walked thin lines and broke them repeatedly. I’d go over in my head how to do it better, say it better, how to keep from being a disappointment. I was one of those kids that tried all sorts of creative ways to be who she needed to be. I couldn’t figure it out because I was missing one piece of information; her agenda doesn’t include you.
It is clear to me that youth was nothing more than a performance lacking true emotion and conviction.
After taking my freedom, after being in therapy half of my life, I still struggle to show on my face what I’m feeling inside. I use words or I paint to explain myself. I can be suicidal and laugh in the same conversation, but this time I know to tell the person ahead of time that I’ve not broken the conditioning in this area. I have to tell them to listen to what I’m saying, please don’t look at my smiling face.
Continue reading “My first and most intimate lessons in communication”Art Therapy in the Etsy Shop
I paint with my heart and all but bleed on canvas. Painting is a powerful way to release anxiety and thoughts that pound my skull. While art as a whole is therapeutic for me, there are certain pieces that were created specifically as therapy with my psychologist. As I thin out the amount of art in my home, I’d like to make available on a continued basis, some of the art pieces created during my therapy sessions or at a later time.
As I said, art therapy has been one of the most powerful tools in my healing process. I can’t explain to you the relief I feel knowing that some of my abuse memories have lost their sting when I was professionally guided with the tool of art therapy.
Landfall Abstract Ocean Scene
This entry shows art two art pieces with a purpose. Rise, fall if I must. Stand to meet the challenge. What’s the challenge? I’ve got to get a hold of my stinking thinking. I have to change my outlook one single color at a time if necessary. While writing I felt a sense of urgency and desperation. I could all but see myself at a door grabbing the handle and pulling it, ripping at.
Lets talk more about the art at the root of these emotions.
Landfall
Creating non objective abstract art started with a self challenge in June of 2014. I really wanted to create some of the beautiful art I was seeing, but it didn’t think I had it in me to do that type of art. When I first challenged myself I said I’d do 10 paintings. I wasn’t looking forward to it because it was as if I had no idea where to start, let alone know how to finish.
Though I’m still learning, I can say I have left behind the anxiety. I enjoy it creating non-objective abstract art. I find it soothing to create and I actually feel I know when to start. As a matter of fact I start non-objective abstract such as “Landfall” the same way I begin other art, with a single stroke.
I don’t think too hard and I sure don’t plan ahead. When it comes to art, if I plan ahead then I’m planning for a disaster. I start art with one single stroke and go from there. I paint from the hip…..not literally because that would be uncomfortable. My next challenge with abstracts is to paint them larger. Continue reading “Landfall Abstract Ocean Scene”
DID. Anxiety. Art.
I was thinking about how many doctors have told me my body is resistant to treatment. Hearing that in my head made me think, well, if that’s the case then I’d better get to moving along before this treatment is rejected. At this time I’m able to leave the house. This treatment allows me to be 50% of who I used to be, which gives me 50% to work with until my body rejects it.
I’ve been switching personalities quite a bit lately. I have such strong feelings of uncertainty. Strangely enough, my schedule is more stable than it’s been in a long time, yet my focus is off, my ability to concentrate and complete one task is difficult.
I scheduled a tea party with Red but forgot Snow is coming over that day. I do need Snow’s help. I need help getting my bed made and getting some laundry done.
I got out for a walk the other day and found some more moss for my 12 x 12 moss garden. I’m having a blast doing this. I like to watch things grow. I have grow lights.
Anxiety is intense right now. I want to get up, get my drawing pad and scribble some. I want to lay in the fetal position and rock. I want to go deep in my head where it might be quiet and where this anxiety isn’t so intense. Continue reading “DID. Anxiety. Art.”
Everything – Fast forward
DECEMBER 27,2015.
Times 32 on the multifunctional remote, flash blurred scenes for you. My eyes have processed them all, bit by bit, no translation of hue or tone lost to speed.
I see. I hear. I can’t make it stop.
Pulled plugs, short circuit, a hundred failed attempts to rewire.
Still I hear
every car honk, every cellphone ring and every exasperated, exhausted,
needy inner plea, burned in the screen of my mind .
Robert
A Month of Strings 1
This may look familiar. I’ve had it forever. “The Tin Man”. He also reminds me of a puppet on strings and the need for freedom. From what?
From the things that wrap around pnd me. I feel tangled. I feel lost, pulled in several different directions, floating above unstable ground. MY HEART IS BROKEN and I can’t seem to make it stop hurting.
Go here and get twisted around so you’ll feel better and, less pain.
Go here and for this doctor’s magic.
I just want to see my therapist again. I want to remember his face. I saw him in person today but he was so blurry. I couldn’t see him.