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Chronic Pain Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

Emotional Exhaustion

It’s nearly 11pm. I’m still up thinking. I feel so desperate and depleted and tattered. Yes, I’m relieved I don’t have to do another surgery and I’m relieved that there’s no bone infection, but I’m also exhausted from the fight. Exhausted from keeping my head up as I tread the waters of chronic illness and […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Chronic Pain Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

No Osteomyelitis. Chronic illness is expensive.

I was tested twice more and the final answer is no. I don’t have a bone infection. No Osteomyelitis. The infection from the ulcer reached deep, but the bone wasn’t infected at all. I’m in the clear on that one. Also, after 2 months and much fuss, the ulcer is nearly gone. I’m not even […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Chronic Pain I'm only human Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

The Smile

I smiled every time the doctor or nurse walked in the room. I smiled at the Radiologist, Podiatrist, Hematologist, Wound Team and the vampire, blood sucking Phlebotomist. I’m not an easy stick and hate getting my blood drawn, thus the name calling. Anyway, I smiled at them all, genuinely, because I was greatful for good […]

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Anxiety Chronic Pain Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

Stop that! And the fluffy, purple robe.

I reluctantly write this entry. Well, the CNA situation did end just days after I wrote that we had 2 good weeks. There was a lot of difficulty with attendance and an entitled attitude that truly got under my skin. However, when she quit a few weeks back, I allowed her to stay with the […]

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Chronic Pain Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

Expectations

It occurred to me the other day that I expected to be healthier than this and more functional. I don’t know why I expected it but I did. It never occurred to me, even while in the hospital under those circumstances, that I’d lay here like *this,* feeling like *this*. What on earth was I […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Chronic Pain Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

Foot update: Surgery for wound care

I really needed my doctor to say it’s going to be ok, but that’s not the update I got today. I’m literally shaking. He used the word surgery. I just closed my eyes. My heart dropped. Here we go! No amputation, just an outpatient surgery to do whatever to the wound site and then close […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Anxiety Chronic Pain Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

Struggling. Bruised but not broken.

I’m struggling a bit to keep anxiety under control. My pain levels are too high and I’ve not had much sleep. Today I saw Dr. D at his office. It was a good session yet I dissociated most of the time. It was as if I sat beside myself the entire time talking to him. […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Anxiety Chronic Pain Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

Feeling Clean. PTSD. Colors.

I have a hard time believing, after all these years, that I still don’t feel clean. It’s been so long but I still try to wash off yesterday in the shower. I still need to get all the past off my body where it lays decaying me. After all these years, I just can’t fully […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Chronic Pain Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

My weighted blanket test

For two weeks I’m going to use the 12 pound weighted blanket every evening. I’d like to know if my phantom limb pain is reduced, if general Lupus pain is reduced and if nightmares will be reduced. I feel as if I’m asking for a miracle of the blanket but hey, people say they work […]

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Chronic Pain Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

On getting a new caregiver (CNA). Wound.

I sure know how to go through CNA’s. I suppose this happens often in this field. They’ve got a lot of turn over. My current CNA put in her 2 weeks notice last week so next week with her is it. This is the 3rd time in 6 months that she’s gotten angry with her […]