Category: Art

Slow Moving and Art Updates.

Posted on by F.Magdalene

I woke around 9am but I didn’t get up until 1 pm. I just couldn’t get going.

Yesterday was a full day in that we went to Michael’s craft store, Hobby Lobby and Lowes. I got a sunflower stash at Michael’s, all 4 of the large sunflowers total $10. Score! I’m physically exhausted from that but it was great.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m so afraid to sleep. I’ve even wanted to sleep with the light on. I’m uneasy and even afraid at night. I have no reason to be. I’m not a kid anymore. I’m under my own roof. Yes, the fear is strong but it only lives in my head. It’s not based on 2023. The fear is from a few years past and when I was young.

I fear laying down flat and suffocating. I didn’t fear laying down flat until the 2018 events. Now I panic and can’t breathe.

For me, the most trauma is February 12th when it all happened. May 7th when they amputated my foot and August 25th when I moved into this apartment. It’s funny, I don’t remember the date of the thrombectomy. That’s the heavy duty surgery I did. So yeah, I’ve got some PTSD stuff going on right now.

It’s also noteworthy that I’ve been switching personalities a lot. Honestly, the only person who should be out with our caregiver is Jordan yet little ones, Joan and Maureen have been out, too. The anxiety levels are very different.

I love that she takes me places. I love that she hasn’t missed a day nor has she been late the whole 4 months she’s been here. We’ve clashed but we’ve not quit on each other. She flipped out once and said some horrible things. I hope she doesn’t believe what she said …….. We primarily get along well.

Today I want to isolate. I want baked goods and endless hours of tiktok. That’s what depression says I want. Well, I’m up now. The tea kettle is on. I’ll sip Earl Gray, change my clothes and fight a little bit.

One secure way to feel better is to reach out and do something for others. A friend that knows I’m struggling is sending an e-card, everyday, for a full month. If that sounds like a lot, the same cherished friend sent me a rose every day for 5 months I was in the hospital. She’s truly a gift. So, what can I do to help someone close to me? I’m going to make two small paintings, one for the person sending me e-cards and one for a different person I know is struggling.

I think I feel well enough now to set a few minor goals for today.

  1. Dust while listening to my book
  2. Clear off my art table
  3. One of two small paintings / greeting cards
  4. Get in a halfway decent meal

Hopefully I can get some more art in my Etsy shop. I’ve got two more on the way.

I’m itching to make dolls again, too. I purchased 3 skeins of yarn yesterday to use for the doll’s hair; plum, burnt orange and honey-flaxen blonde. I want to do the purple first. I keep seeing people with beautiful non-traditional hair colors so I got purple and orange for doll’s hair. I’ll see what my creative side can do with these colors.

Alright, after 2 cups of tea and some typing, I think I’m ready to do part two of today. I feel a little stronger.

Four things I’m grateful for today.

  1. A friend is coming to help with my hospital bed that’s giving me the blues.
  2. I feel a tad bit of motivation. I want to tap into it.
  3. Galaxy Nebula projector that makes being in the dark a bit easier.
  4. You 🙂 for taking the time to read this. Thank you 🙂

Faith

Freedom. Up Hill Battle.

Posted on by F.Magdalene

I paid a heavy price in pain for a little bit of freedom from my wheelchair. I decided to walk about 100 feet up a ramp to my apartment. I needed to stand up at my normal 5 foot 3, and see the world from the angle I was accustom to.

The problem with walking outside is that I can’t feel the ground under me. With shoes on, I can’t feel the ground. It takes a lot of concentration. But today I needed freedom. I swear I feel like a caged animal willing to pay a high price to have someone open my cage and let me out.

The price I paid for about 100 feet is extreme pain in both hips. Both hips have avascular necrosis. I’m having terrible spasms. All of this just to stand up and walk for a little bit.

Was it worth the cost? Yes, for a few moments, walking in the sun, yeah it was worth this.

I’m in bed right now willing a slice of pizza hut over here. Lol It’s in the kitchen. Lol. But I’m writhing in pain. My legs hurt so badly, they’re squirming all over the bed down there. The pain is from the ankle up to the knee then both hips. I really want that pizza though lol.

My little walk reminds me very much of my little painting called Up Hill Battle. I guess sometimes the hill seems small to others but that doesn’t mean it’s not a battle for the person trying to climb it. We never know how much baggage a person is carrying, mental or physical pain. Even the slightest incline can be a struggle when the person walking is carrying a heavy load.

The miniature is complete. I gave it a nice seal yesterday. My intent is to have it in my shop this evening. If you don’t have an Etsy shop but there’s interest, you can send me an email. I accept PayPal. All contact info is on the sidebar.

I’ve been craving pizza for days. I really want that pizza in the kitchen but the price is a little high for me to get up and get it. I’ll use patience. I’ll rest then have pizza later.

It was still a nice day. I love outing day 🙂 Please let this CNA stay. I adore her.

Faith

Up Hill Battle – Art in progress

Posted on by F.Magdalene

Content – Suicide, no details

I’ve come to understand the semicolon to represent times when a person could have given up but didn’t. This is a miniature 3 part painting in progress. Acrylic and oil on 3×2 wood piece with rounded corners. This is about half way done.

I don’t feel suicidal, nor did. It’s just that a rather triggering conversation came up about suicide. I just sort of painted through the heavy emotions.

The young girl in the original artwork decided to keep going, to never give up. She made it through the darkest times then took the opportunity to appreciate the small things.

Soon to be seen in my Etsy shop.

Faith

Sunflower Wheels

Posted on by F.Magdalene

This painting covers several life events. It is true to the Sundrip style in that there are hidden people and objects, and done in abstract.

I appreciate photographing work in progress because it gives me a different perspective.

The ppainting is busy but it’ll come together soon.

Creating things has continued and it feels great. It has helped with anxiety and depression which right now is pretty high. Dr D has been checking in with me concerning suicidal thoughts. I am too close to that feeling of tossing in the towel.

I’d be lying if I said the figures in here are random figures. I seriously have to work on the bird. Lol

Tomorrow should be a day to celebrate. They’re going to deliver the electric wheelchair. I was approved the first time. I should be happy but it feels like a loss. It feels like a totally different way that I’ll represent myself to the world. I identified with the manual wheelchair. It’s been the only chair I’ve sat in for the last five years. No lounge chair or anything, just this. It took a while to accept how I’d represent myself to the world. I got comfortable in it but now it feels like how I represent myself to the world is changing. It’s so hard to explain what I mean.

In the manual wheelchair I did have to deal with people telling me I should walk and I could be cured. Representing myself as a manual wheelchair user was hard. I got a lot of pressure when I told people it’s not worth the pain to walk. It’s simply not worth it. 19 falls in a year was too much.

I wonder if people will pressure me to use the manual more than the electric? Seriously, who knew that friends would have to accept that I’m not ambulatory and that they’d take it so hard? Now I wonder if the electric wheelchair means they have to get used to seeing me in it.

I can’t express how much being a manual wheelchair user is wrapped up in how I identify myself. Now that identity is changing. I’m feeling like a loss. I hope the emotional transition is smooth. I’m sad right now though.

  • I’m still taking all meds which is obvious by the weight gain.
  • Dr D and I talked about how noisy it is in my head. The talking is incessant.
  • Despite being teased, I’ve started looking for wheelchair ballet. I’ve found several tutorials that I enjoy.
  • Someone recently told me to stop blaming myself for the nurse’s aides not working out. She followed up by telling me to stop always thinking I’m at fault. That was the company owner. Their last day with me is tomorrow.
  • I’m pleased to be able to listen to music regularly.
  • I go in to the dental surgeon about my broken tooth and other dental issues.
  • The plants here are doing very well. I love seeing new leaves.
  • Dissociation is regular, with lost time. Arial Little and Ariel Michelle pop out at inconvenient times. It’s noticeable but I don’t address it and they haven’t asked. Joan has been out more than me, Jordan.
  • Anxiety has gotten so intense that I feel like I want to hold something in my left hand for emotional security. I have a tiny stuffed duck that I’m holding. I use to bring him to therapy all the time.
  • I’m going out of town in July. Hotel reservations are set. I’m so excited I can’t see straight.
  • Without friends and family this leg of my life would be too much to bear alone. It’s true that love can heal some wounds.

Faith w Jordan

Art and Processing Life Changes

Posted on by F.Magdalene
2023

Anxiety, her name is Faith

This last week has been trying. My head tried to take me down depression street. I needed rest from the world so I turned my phone on do not disturb for the most of the day. I’m definitely trying to take one day at a time but there’s so much from yesterday that plagues me today. Today I had yet another tooth that broke off at the gum line. Unfortunately, it’s in the front.

I have issues with dental hygiene because I can’t use toothbrushes. I can’t stand the way it feels in my mouth. The dentist gave me mouthwash but the damage to my teeth is significant. If I had it to do all over again I’d find a way to keep them healthy. How, I don’t know.

I’m painting a piece about loss and finding traction to move forward. This is much larger than usual for me. I’ve been planning a painting where the wheelchair is made of sunflowers.

detail left side

It feels like a piece that is helping me truly let go of some of these things that pain me. It’s no where near finished but working on it has helped me deal with overwhelming anxiety.

My little place genuinely feels like an art studio now that I’ve got a bunch of art in various stages of completion.

SOLD

I’m pleased that my little bag holder doll with glasses has found a home. The glasses were the final touch. 🙂

Joe Schmoe, age 14

Despite the fact that it’s not even midnight, I’m going to take a PRN and go to sleep. Joe and I need a fresher start tomorrow. Better sleep will do a lot to make tomorrow better than today. Let’s just hope I don’t need to go to the restroom every 2 hours like last night.

Dang, menopause is kicking my butt! Is my bladder the size of a pea now? In addition to menopause, my bladder is over active when I’m feeling stressed. It’s helpful to know my symptoms (over active bladder) so I can then respond appropriately; manage stress better, don’t internalize so much.

In addition to snuggling with Joe, I’m looking forward having dinner with friends, at my place, on Sunday.

Faith

Healing. Heart and Rock Art

Posted on by F.Magdalene
Fractured but still joyful

Drawing and doodling continue to be my primary way of relieving anxiety; however, I may have a new way in a few months. Before the wrists, my doctor approved me to do one hour of vigorous exercise each day. I enjoy exercise. Always have.

I was going to go to the gym on “amputee night, ” as well as other planned physical activities. I can still do some stuff but the gym is going to have to wait. It’s going to be a bit b4 I can do that much.

It’s the small bones in the base of the thumb and wrist area that are broken. I chose not to have a fixed cast bc I’m a bit claustrophobic. So far I’m dealing better adjusting to the ones I have. Still kills me it had to come out of my pocket!

I’ve been painting more rocks while wearing the basic wrist braces I have. I also noticed that lately, hearts have shown up quite a bit in my art. I put in on the chest of figures or hide them in crosshatch or shade. Now I’ve moved to painting hearts on random rocks. I feel compelled to do it. I’ve not explored why, and I probably won’t. But I am allowing myself to paint hearts on rocks.

One rock has a heart on top but the rest of the rock is black. Mixed in the black are hints of blue and orange. I sealed them with Mod Podge. I’ve still got the painted rock from when I was in the hospital. 🙂 These guys make great encouragement when arranged together in a bowl.

The casts kinda hurt and they don’t let me do too much. Using the restroom is interesting. Lol.

For a bit the broken wrists took me back to one of the best years growing up. During my Sophomore year I rode my bike to theater club and loved it. I saw my mother very little. I remember fondly how life was very much a teen movie plot. I remember the summer and how much fun I was having. My sister had fun too but she shattered her wrist that year. She also stole my boyfriend. See what I mean, teen movie drama! The Breakfast Club. Pretty in Pink! There was deception, inner conflict, school life and music 🙂 I remember dedicating love songs on the radio to my boyfriend. I love memories like this bc they’re normal and innocent. Sisters make immature mistakes. We were just kids.

It’s helpful for me to look back and see normal parts of childhood. It feels important to have affirmation that I wasn’t a victim child being abused 24/7, like that was all I was alive for. I had good times, especially life as a student.

Faith

Remnants. Art. Seeing.

Posted on by F.Magdalene
Behind the curtain. Behind the light.

I’m getting ready to start physical therapy here at home to help some of the healing along due to recent falls. I’m pleased it’s at home. I told the doctor I’m not able to tolerate going to a center for physical therapy because of the setup. There’s too much public activity, noise, movement and touch, for me to be able to think straight and not panic.

The painting shown is still being worked on. It’s one of my collages, which I have found myself drawn to lately. I’ve got many pieces of this and that saved art piece that on their own doesn’t work but added to other cut outs, makes a great piece of art.

This is very indicative of how I’ve been feeling. In my head, I see myself as fractured and torn, both physically and mentally. It feels good to take the remnants of my art pieces (pieces of me) and make something good come out of the broken pieces. It’s similar to what the Japanese do when putting pieces of a broken bowl back together with gold. My goal is to improve self esteem. I also enjoy it.

General updates

  • Soon iI’ll know a decision from my insurance about a new Jazzy Pride electric wheelchair.
  • Joe just turned 14. It makes me a little nervous. His only issue is from the stroke. He doesn’t see as well.
  • Joe is still very much a service cat. He still alerts me to my blood pressure dropping too low.
  • I learned to make sour cream from my homemade yogurt. I’m growing my own ginger and turmeric inside. This growing season I’ll do spinach and salad greens with grow lights. The point of all this homemade stuff is to shave some off my grocery bill.
  • My OCD has been raging but I’ve been able to challenge it. Things go terribly if my thinking is too disordered and I’m overly stimulated. When that happens I have to go on an apology tour.
  • Dissociation and switching has occurred regularly, including switching while my nurse and CNA are here.
  • I’ve been able to paint as before with no real issues. There’s one painting in my Etsy shop.

Another physical change has taken place that affects my art. I can’t see! Dang it! I have to wear glasses to read or see anything in front of me, including my dinner plate. I can see far away, though. I need to see the eye doctor soon for prescription glasses. For now I’ve got bifocals from Amazon. I like them. Life is easier all around with bifocals.

Interesting is that it feels weird painting through glasses. It feels like I now have a physical barrier between me and what I’m creating. It feels like I’ve got my hands through the holes of a glass panel trying to paint or sew on the other side of the window.

Another new tool at home is this comfy Kaftan. I’m obsessed! I also like that I found an Etsy taylor with prettier dresses for the same price. I’m looking to get two more by this summer.

Kaftan’s are user friendly for disabled people with incontinence. I have spastic bladder as a result of the Thrombectomy surgery, which means I have to change depends several times a day. The last thing I want is to take my pants off several times a day because I need to change depends.

These dresses are fun and they are sooo me! I think I’m loving my Oprah glasses and Kaftans. I have one pink, white and green tie dye and one blue, gray, black and white tie dye. Totally me.

Faith / Joan

Finger painting

Posted on by F.Magdalene

I broke both wrists and strained my right shoulder. Yeah. Not good. It’ll be interesting to see how the next 8 weeks play out. That’s how long before the shoulder and wrists start to feel better.

I still need to be able to paint so I’ll be doing pinkie paintings. 🙂 I’ll have to try to cover all cast and wraps. Thank goodness for press and seal.

I’m definitely not ok with this situation but I’m relieved I can accommodate my need to create.

Also, I’m still working on getting an electric wheelchair bc rolling myself around isn’t working right now.

Faith

Someone to Plead for Me

Posted on by F.Magdalene
2023

I’ve been thinking about updating the blog but it’s just kind of gotten by me.

How am I doing? I’m ok most of the time. Anxiety is still very high but I’m feeling much better. I’m better able to handle issues that arise with CNAs. That in itself is huge.

I’ve got a really good mix of medication from a very wonderful Nurse Practicioner. Although I can’t take anything to treat the OCD, this has been a regular discussion with my therapist and nurse practitioner. Learning about OCD issues has been uber triggering.

While eating is still an issue, hydration has greatly improved. Unfortunately my strength has not. I’ve fallen 3x in 3 weeks, w one requiring EMTS. I was seriously hurt. I may have to have outpatient surgery on my thumb.

My right shoulder is still swollen and jacked up. In an unrelated issue, I’ve got oral surgery coming up. Since I have to stop my blood thinner for 2 days before the surgery, all this makes me nervous.

I’m pleased to say that my shop has a piece of artwork in it for the first time since the beginning of the pandemic.

The piece is true to Sundrip in that it’s on paper, it’s small, brightly colored and highly symbolic. Even though the name is very emotional and personal, I’ve kept it. It fits what I was trying to express.

Someone to Plead for Me

The tallest figure is clearing the dark cloud hanging over her head and the head of those dependant on her. As they stand together, roots reach up from the ground trying to strangle their steps. Still, the largest figure offers relief and hope.

Someone to Plead for Me is available either in my Etsy shop or via PayPal. Please contact me if you have questions or are in need of financial assistance. I no longer mail internationally. I’m sorry.

I’ve got a much better arrangement for art now bc of the amount of privacy I’ve got now. I love the curtains put up. It’s just enough of a feeling of privacy that I can paint and leave art to dry without worrying it’ll be seen while drying.

I’ve also changed how my paint is stored. I now have everything horizontally which makes it so much easier to access. I put the paint in my “room” instead of in the walk in closet area. This means I have what I primarily use close to me without having to lug the paints back and forth.

So this is what I’ve been up to.

Peace to you,

Faith

Artist Thoughts: The Color of Healing

Posted on by F.Magdalene
First dress in 30 yrs

I recently purchased a new dress for the first time in over 30 years. I’d been wanting a kaftan so I purchased a pink tie dye kaftan. That got the ball rolling and lead to dress number 2.

When I was a child I didn’t wear much white because I tend to wipe my hands on my clothes, but unfortunately my family attached my worth to the color white. Here’s what I mean –

In 1992 I was getting ready for a function so I was ironing my white skirt and blouse. As I ironed, my sister kept walking past me saying, “Whore. Whores don’t wear white.” My mother and she were cruel. They wanted me to feel low and loathsome.

My sister was truly a piece of work. I got married in white and I could hear her evil words on that day, too. Fast forward to 2022. Not only am I older, I’m mad now.

I’m upset that my family attempted to harm me in whatever way seemed good. I was shamed so terribly over getting white dirty. It was always such a big ordeal. Living in the house with those two, I knew I was out numbered.

Recently I’ve been trying to reclaim a few colors associated with abuses. I’d been working on yellow for a while. I can say with pride that I have successfully reclaimed the color yellow and restored it to its proper place; next is white.

I’ve been tossing this idea around for a bit. It’s finally coming to fruition. I purchased a long, solid white Kaftan…..to paint in… to purposely wipe my hands on and get it all covered lol. Then of course I thought, what about shoes? So in February I’ll get a pair of knock-off, high top Converse, white for about $20. Converse right now are $115. I’m not trying to make that expensive of a point. Lol

Where the label on the shoe should be, I’ll put a sunflower. To tie the whole statement together, I’ll toss in a white dreadlock wrap and some hoop earrings.

I’m going target a few areas where I have unresolved issues such as over the heart, the lungs and the tassels at the bottom.

Colors of significance will include deep shades of purple bc the purple survivors ribbon is for Lupus, Domestic Violence and Dementia. All of these have touched my life significantly.

I don’t know when I’ll say the dress is “finished”. I do know I’ll wear it around the house to paint in. My paints are permanent and vivid.

A bit of irony – the dress arrived very wrinkled. I absolutely have to iron it before I put it on.

The rest of life is as troubled and discombobulated as everyone else. I’m taking it day by day. I find the world increasingly difficult to manage. I’m worried about the havoc politicians will reek on their world playground during elections. I’m not looking forward to racism being encouraged. Thank goodness I don’t understand the joy people feel when “sticking it” to someone else. But they love it.

While living in excessively violent times, politicians gleefully spit rhetoric to inflame groups and turn people against each other. It’s like it’s a billionaire’s game where the one with the most casualties wins.

Other than that, the frogs are great and so is Joe. The jumping spider is doing well. My CNA situation is “interesting”.

I’m a bit lonely right now though I see people regularly.

Rumination is pretty bad still. My emotions get intense but not like months ago. Sleep is too much or too little. Appetite is zero still, and last but not least menopause is kicking my butt.

At least I’m not as reactive and emotional as I was. I can catch myself sometimes, before I start, but it can be difficult to stop once started. I feel shame because I don’t feel I have the control needed to maintain interpersonal relationships. I’m worried about it. We’re still tweaking medication though.

That’s about the size of it.

Jordan