Content: Sex, emotional violence, therapy review
This was one of the hardest therapy sessions I’ve had in a while. We talked about the low self esteem and where it came from. The names my family gave me where cruel. At a young age, second grade through the fourth grade, my mother used to call me “fat and nasty.” First off, I’ve got photos of me all the way through high school. I wasn’t fat. They convinced me I was. I was never comfortable in my skin. With family cruelty and Dissociative Identity Disorder, I was never really sure what I looked like. I’ve always thought I’m unattractive.
When I told Dr D that I’ve felt this way since I was young he asked how that has affected romantic relationships. I feel like I need to serve him in almost slave like ways, in order to thank him for putting up with someone as unattractive and nasty as me.
My ex-husband refused to hold my hand in public. He said he’s used to being seen in public with beautiful women and he didn’t want me trying to show him off to people. He thought I would hold his hand and gloat bc my husband was so handsome. He was a handsome devil.
It took 3x to leave. It took him threatening to kill me before I finally left and stayed gone. He didn’t think I’d leave. Neither did my mother.
I never thought I deserved abuse, but I didn’t think I was above it either.
My ex-husband was so cruel with his words, and I’d take it. Why not? My mother and her family primed me to be abused physically, sexually, emotionally and spiritually.
Having contact with two of my aunts has brought up quite a few memories and feelings. I guess it’s time to work on forgiveness for them, too.
I vividly recall my mother leaving me with them for a quick run. I begged her to take me with her. She asked why. I said, because they don’t like me! While she was at the store they stood me in the corner and called me names. They said I was a smart Aleck.
They were cruel. All I was trying to do was grow up. Imagine aunts encouraging their cruel sister to be even harder on her children. I guess using a dowel rod on the palms of our hands wasn’t hard enough. They said she was too easy on us. She’d show off for them by beating us in their presence.
I feel I have reason to out right hate my aunts, but I know from life experience that I’m the only person who will suffer from the hatred. I’m also the only one who will benefit from forgiveness bc these people are the same people. People don’t change when there’s no motivation to change and when they have a superiority complex.
Back to self hatred in 2023. You know, when I draw people that represent me, I want to distroy the face. It’s as if the paint brush or pen is a razor blade across my face. I feel compelled to mess it up or conceal it in some way. I also started to put a hole in the throat which had to do with not being able to speak, let alone speak up for myself or speak the truth about what was really happening.
I don’t want the baggage these memories bring. It’s past time for these words to lose their sting. And it’s past time to stop feeling that words like nasty and disgusting define me. Where do I go from here?
Faith