Anxiety – Page 4 – Faith Magdalene's Sundrip

My Goals are Still in Sight

Posted on January 6, 2023January 6, 2023 by F.Magdalene

I’m still rolling. 🙂

What an exciting few weeks. I went from mourning my old CNA to getting a new one with whom I am very well matched. Having her means I can let her do some things and leave other things to me. I can keep up with my letter writing and other forms of reaching out to people. And I can keep up with my artwork.

My goal was to re-open my Etsy shop but I’m not ready for that. I can paint and sew but right now I need to wait a little while longer. I’m ready to do the art, I’m not ready for the stress of opening up the shop and getting stuff out on time. The goal is to do so but at this time there is no tentative date.

I’m pleased that rumination has decreased, which makes thinking much easier. The depression is better under control, and my physical health is holding steady. Concentration is crap. It’s awful but at least I’m completing things even as I bounce from project to project. I have zero concentration any more.

Anxiety is wicked. I’ve changed up how I do my Delta-8 so that it will help with anxiety more and kick in sooner. Sadly there isn’t any guidance on this. It’s trial and error, but at least it’s still federally legal and the cost is still within my means.

I baked refrigerator dough cookies and brownies. I cut them into dose sizes then dripped liquid THC over the top of the goodies. Works like a charm. It can be done with THC butter, too.

My metabolism is deathly slow which is why it takes 2 hrs for a bite size edible to kick in. It lasts up to 5 hours though.

Pain is not my friend. Anxiety isn’t either, but the depression and physical pain is significantly less, which has raised my quality of life. I’m still a bit reactive but not even close to how I was. Eating is a chore but that is getting better, too.

Wow. Food prices! No matter how much food costs increase, my budget for food has not. It’s been stuck at $200 a month for a while now with no sign of change any time soon. I’m blown away by food prices. I’ve been trying to see where I can clip pennies but I’m not sure where anymore. Perhaps it’s not totally a bad thing that I have zero appetite. Amazon Fresh is so high right now that it’s straight up robbery!

Menopause – well, I haven’t gone to jail yet. A terrible hot flash at least once an hour. Decreased ability to handle stress. I click on people! An Amazon employee had me so frustrated that I asked to speak with someone else. She said, who? “I said, I don’t care, anyone but you.” I really wish I didn’t say that to her.

So, things are progressing in a manner I couldn’t see 6 months ago. I want to remember that even in the worst circumstances, everything changes. And since I am involved and invested in life, chances for positive change is strong.

I’m happy I lived long enough to truly believe and trust that things change. Youth doesn’t provide enough life experience to fully grasp that things change for the better and you can move past what feels impossible. I wish my brother could have understood that.

Faith – Morton’s Pride

Bonfire. Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Posted on November 1, 2022November 1, 2022 by F.Magdalene

Bonfire. The most exciting news is that I was able to go to the bonfire my friends had. It was wonderful! I got to pet a cute puppy ??. Then when it got dark the kids put glow sticks on. They made glow stick glasses, ears and bracelets then played tag in the dark. It was one of the most pure things I’ve seen in a long time.

Sitting there with my friends I thought back to when I asked why I even survived the events of 2018. Life was unbearable and I wonder why on earth I survived just to feel so hopeless. Now the public health emergencies have ended and I don’t need to isolate any longer. So I went to the bonfire and laughed with friends I’ve known from 10 to 30 years. There were smores, BBQ and innocent fun. That is why I survived 2018. Moments like the night of the bonfire, that is what I survived for!

I was in the hospital 2 weeks ago which totally freaked me out and triggered PTSD issues. I managed it though.

I had the opportunity to put my feet in grass again, which was the first time since the amputation. Unfortunately, I can’t feel the grass anymore, there’s just not enough feeling in that foot. Later I thought about how I can put my palms in the grass instead of trying to feel it on the surviving foot. It’s also come to my attention that I can do grounding / earthing with the palms of my hands …… I find it interesting that when primarily people of color didn’t wear shoes it was a reason to call us uncivilized. Now it’s earthing / grounding.

DID and Mental Health Its noteworthy that during my mental health breakdown during the pandemic, I had a split. I’ve done so much work integrating but I’m susceptible to splitting again, and I have. I talked to Dr D about it bc I recognized 2 people here who had been integrated. It’s taken a few months for me to be certain that Maureen and Crystal have split off again. I’m not a doctor so I can’t give specifics on how, but I’m 100% certain of it. I’m kind of embarrassed.

It was the assault that sealed my decision not to further integrate. I have who I have. Lol. Of course I’m staying in therapy, it’s just not with the goal of integration.

So this is my long, drawn out entry about all that’s happening over here on Sundrip and in the last few weeks. ???? Some things are trying, but I’ve made a lot of progress on the new psych meds. I’m pleased with the spot I’m in. I can now stand to be in my skin.

Thanks for hanging in and reading my updates.

Until soon,

Faith

Gratitude: Relief

Posted on August 4, 2022August 6, 2022 by F.Magdalene

While learning to live in a COVID world, I’ve begun to venture out and meet new people. I met a woman who was in the segregated south and was living in the thick of historic moments many only read about.

I’m grateful for the loyal love and patience shown to me at this pivotal moment in my life.

My friends love me enough to want to rescue me. They love me enough not to, but to instead walk with me or offer guidance.

I’m grateful for personal acupuncture and vagus nerve therapies. Some of the therapies associated with my ears have stopped panic attacks within one minute. I wear an adjustable helix or daith cuff (ear cuff) to assist with pain management.

I purchased a Trigger Point Stimulator Tool which I highly recommend. It’s been helpful in relaxing neck and side muscles. Sciatica be gone! The one I purchased explains that there are “two crystals inside will create a small electrical stimulus that mimics acupuncture and helps release trapped energy.”

I have enjoyed more peace of mind as of late than I have in a long time. Peace of mind and happiness are not a constant state of being, instead an accumulation of moments.

I’m grateful for plants. I so love plants! They help me focus my thoughts and do something positive with my anxious energy.

Joe has turned out to be a wonderful service animal. I had to look it up if cats can detect and alert illness because it sounds so strange but, three times Joe has loudly demanded that I wake up.

The other day was the 3rd time he insisted loudly, with screeching, that I wake up. I knew what he was doing so I sat on the edge of the bed. I used my rescue inhaler then took all my vitals.

Long story short, he woke me while I was having an asthma attack with terribly low blood pressure and very fast heart rate. When my sitting heart rate went above 106, Joe began to alert me with that horrible screech.

To prevent me from going anywhere, Joe parked himself behind the wheel of the wheelchair and refused to move. He was clearly focused on me with huge, huge pupils.

When I had to use the restroom I carefully got in the chair. Joe walked beside the chair all the way to the restroom as if he was escorting me. Maybe an hour later I was so tired that I had to sleep. I felt comfortable sleeping bc Joe was watching over me.

How on earth did I score a senior cat who can naturally detect pulmonary issues? I couldn’t be more grateful.

Faith

Therapy Review: Sundrip. Death and Dying

Posted on March 11, 2022May 12, 2022 by F.Magdalene

Content: Self love. Sundrip and social media. Death and dying. Sexual Assault.

We talked about shame and guilt. Guilt is for actions but shame describes who I am.

Self Love. We talked about fear as it relates to self love. I fear saying I’m worth loving because doing so means I have to fully accept that my mother was wrong. To a certain degree I still deny the full impact of her actions and what she allowed.

I know I have self love to a certain degree. I said I love you to myself for the first time ever.

An opportunity for further targeted psychological treatment has opened up to me. I’m not in the mental health space to accept it but the offer stands. The practitioner, aka Hippie Therapist, will allow me to video conference. This doesn’t replace Dr D.

Sundrip. I’ve said several times over the years that I’d like to walk away from Sundrip.com as it is now. I know in my heart I can’t simply shut things down. Sundrip is my baby, but I think it’s time to bring this to a change from what it is now. It has been definitively decided that I’m closing the blog part of Sundrip in five months time. Why 5 months? Three months are too few but 6 is too long. I need to take gradual steps. I’ve set a date.

This is going to be difficult but needed. The world has changed since I started this blog. The internet has changed. Honestly, I fear I have too much to lose by continuing as is.

Death and Dying. We spoke about how I gasp and sit up in bed because of feeling like I’m on the gurney, at the hospital being wheeled to a surgery I wasn’t expected to survive. That was 2018 but it still haunts me. For days I said goodbye to my friends. We wept and supported each other. I apologized for the hurt I was causing by being in that condition. I said goodbye to my long term therapist. I so did not want to hang up.

It felt like I had been given the death penalty and that at 11am (?) I was going to die.

That hallway was long. The room was cold. They asked me to take a deep breath. It felt like I was participating in my own death. I wasn’t supposed to survive that, so I felt like I was asked to take my last breath. Breathe deeply and go to sleep w a 15% chance of surviving. I took a deep breath in and exhaled the name of my God. The anesthesiologist was brilliant and supportive.

When I woke from a surgery done only a few times in the United States, the nightmare wasn’t over. Did I survive a 10 hour surgery only to bleed to death? The nurse held my juggler closed with her hands because I would not clot. Another nurse held the artery in my groan. Other means to stop the bleeding were used too but the main way they got it to stop was to clamp them manually w me awake.

Despite the violence in my childhood, I never begged my mother for my life or for her to stop. In the hospital that day, w the sheets turning red, I begged the nurse to please not let go. She said she wouldn’t. She said to be quiet, turn my head to the left and look up. Eventually I woke up in the arms of my friend. The first thing she said was, I never knew you were this sick. This is Lupus? She held me.

Amazingly, I only have one physical scar from the surgery to get all the blood clots. Despite the foot being dead, I had to wait 2 more months before they could amputate it. The skin began to slough off. That sight is burned in my head.

The recovery room after the blood clots surgery was interesting. My bed was in the middle of the room. It tipped in different degrees, went all the way to the floor and quite high up. I had my own nurse. I was her only patient. I still remember her name.

There was a large area w homey furniture to the right and down a step, other friends were allowed to stay. I was in complete shock and so was everyone else.

Daily, for five months they took my blood directly from the vein, not the IV. I understood why but it still felt like torture. Changing the bandages on my new stump sometimes took 2 hours. It was torture. I felt like I was going to crack.

Dr D and I are discussing possible emotional and cognitive issues as a result of the stroke. We don’t feel that Pseudobulbar affect (PBA) applies to the fullest extent, but we are exploring emotional differences since the stroke.

What I’m aware of at this point is that I’m unable to emotionally or physically cope. I feel like my insides are missing and have been replaced with a dark hole and overwhelming despair. I don’t feel like I can reach inside for strength because I feel hollow.

In 2020 I was assaulted. Where am I safe? How do I protect myself? I’m afraid.

I need mercy.

Faith

Paranoia Art

Posted on March 17, 2021March 20, 2022 by F.Magdalene

When I was young my mother used to tell me quite often that a person was trying to punish her for a perceived slight. She constantly accused my sister and myself of stealing money from her purse even though neither of us had done so. I didn’t realize then it was paranoia but now I see her behavior so clearly that it frightens me.

As she got older her paranoia got even worse. She feared I was trying to kill her, feared my sister had conspired with me to kill her, so on and so forth. She trusted no one but her baby sister, no one.

I fear being like her in this way. I have recently had bouts with paranoia, nothing like she had, but paranoia nonetheless. I don’t fear people are watching me or trying to kill me. I just watch everything because I don’t trust much. I then become obsesses with matters until I exhaust my mind.

My paranoia worries me. My obsessions worry me. I hope that I’d accept medication and treatment if things got to the point of how they were with my mother.

This 7×10 piece was drawn then painted in watercolor in my art journal pad. It shows a young girl (me) with her eyes closed and an unreal world swirling around her. Her body twists into a background of watching eyes that trust nothing.

Faith

It’s Friday!

Posted on January 29, 2021March 20, 2022 by F.Magdalene

Ah yes. It’s Friday. There will be popcorn and beer, art and music. Let’s get this party started!

The studio shelves are stocked with supplies. I’m ready to go. I’ve been working on a small piece for a few weeks now and I’m past ready to finish it.

It’s been a week of high anxiety and OCD symptoms but I’d like to put all that behind me and just have a little fun. So that is what I’m going to do.

Faith

Lola – Queen of Sorrows

Posted on January 25, 2021March 20, 2022 by F.Magdalene

She accurately represents how I feel often. I wish I could say that I’m okay and that life is good. I mean really, complaints should be few but in general I’m not a happy person.

I named her Lola because in some languages it means Our Lady of Sorrows. It seemed so appropriate.

Lola is my third handmade sad doll. I made her with real hair this time instead of yarn. I really like the look. Lola is in my personal collection and sits where I can see her each day.

Some have described her eyes as knowing and with a story to tell. I just think they look wide and sad, much like my eyes as a child.

I made Lola a little sister named Victoria aka Victory. She’s not a sad doll. As a matter of fact, she’s a doll that is at peace. She’s not grinning but she is full of life and innocent. Victory is also in my private collection.

Now comes Grace. Grace was to be the 4th sad doll but she ended up not looking so sad. I like little Grace.

I like her wine colored dress and the bow in her hair (not shown in the photo). She’s wearing a second-hand Gloria Vanderbilt dress. I couldn’t believe I found that little tiny dress. It’s just adorable. I added a small heart button and put the tiniest, little gold details on it, not much though. The dress is simple which is what I like about it. I added a small piece of gold hair jewelry to her long, braided, yarn hair. Little Grace will be going home with my new nurse’s aide next week.

So while I deal with some sadness and depression right now, I’m out here making dolls and doing my best to manage life.

Faith

Anxiety. What if Painting

Posted on July 16, 2020March 20, 2022 by F.Magdalene

Of course my head has been everywhere. I don’t feel good at all and the pain of this is constant. At first I thought, it’s just more pain, something I can ignore. I still think that but this is a new pain so I worry about not knowing what the pain means. Is my stomach hurting because the fibroid is larger than before or because it’s pressing against my bladder more? Is it pressing against a nerve in my leg making it hurt, too? So many questions and so few answers.

The GYN associated with the hospital that I’m firing isn’t helpful in one single bit. I called them and left a message. They called me back but I was on the other line with my Hematologist and couldn’t pick up. I figured I’d call them back. When I listened to their message they told me that when they call I need to answer the phone. I was like, what did she just say? “When you call you need to answer the phone.” Really? So I called them back and explained on their voicemail why I was unable to pick up and to please call me again. That was three days ago. I won’t even speculate why they haven’t called back other than to say that they are just a bad hospital and I don’t want to deal with them. I guess their unwillingness to be helpful is yet another clue that I don’t need anything to do with them.

I called because I have questions. I figured I could get my answers and then follow through with my plan to wait for the new provider for treatment. But getting answers from them is a joke. I can’t get through and no one is calling back.

Anxiety is high. I’m spending the extra energy on art and books. I did a tiny little drawing called “What if – Map to Nowhere”. It’s based on the understanding that all ‘what if’ roads lead nowhere. Here in bright colors are all the roads going this way and that way, leading nowhere. It’s a reminder of the map that takes you in circles with no resolution. It is pointless to go round and round with ‘what if this happens’ or ‘what if that happens’? So instead of keeping it all in my head I put in on a 2.5 x 3.5 inch wooden panel and put a magnet on the back. It’s refrigerator art 🙂

Do you need a reminder concerning maps that lead to nowhere? I put this tiny little painting in my shop in the Pay it Forward section. I’ll keep adding tiny art in that section so I can pass along the reminder to keep hoping and keep looking forward. Check it out at www.Sundrip.etsy.com . (SOLD)

Okay, on to the second little tiny art piece I did to relieve anxiety. This one is called Eye to Eye and is also 2.5 x 3.5. The finish on it really brings out the colors. It’s not a magnet though. I’d like to see this one with a tiny little easel displayed nicely.

A few entries ago I talked about Tiny Art. Safe Art where I discussed how this tiny canvas feels safer for me right now. It’s not so huge, like life, and is easier to manage and complete. I’m having a lot of fun creating them, too. It’s something to accomplish that I enjoy and that helps with the anxiety. There will surely be more to come.

I’ve also started on another doll which will be unlike any other doll I’ve shown on Sundrip. She’s not for sale though. I created one a month back and she sold very quickly. I never put her in the shop or showed her on the net because I wasn’t sure how well she’d go over. I did, however, show her to two people in person and one person through email. They all liked her. I’m making another for me because I’m moved to do it. So far I’ve got the body sewn and painted. I’m afraid of showing her because she’s nothing like the other dolls. She’s emotional. I’m worried about the reception so yeah, showing her on the blog doesn’t feel safe just yet. I would be crushed if a cruel comment came in, absolutely crushed.

So, I sit. I wait. I read. I’m currently enjoying The Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. I paint tiny pictures and sew emotional dolls while hoping beyond everything August comes very quickly.

Faith

Anxiety. Art. Gratitude.

Posted on May 31, 2020March 20, 2022 by F.Magdalene

The Sun Will Rise – Nightmares, Multiple Personality Disorder, eyes and flowers. Watercolor and ink 7 x 10

I’m still screaming and fighting in my sleep about things that happened two and a half decades ago. It makes me wonder if I will ever have peaceful sleep. I feel like I have a measure of peace in my waking hours but sleep is haunted, vicious.

I See – A deformed girl in a garden of eyes and flowers. Watercolor and ink. 7 x 10

Today my anxiety took a turn for the worse. I’ve started seeing things move out of the corner of my eye, things that aren’t there when I turn to see. I recognize this as a symptom of my anxiety. It’s a warning to me that I’ve got to put my best coping skills in the front so I can calm down.

Anxiety really got bad when I received an alert over my phone saying that Indiana is now under a curfew. What perilous times we live in. I was comforted by the fact that the elders from the Kingdom Hall (my place of worship) contacted me to let me know that there’s a curfew and I should take it seriously and be inside for my safety. They offered a few practical suggestions that also helped me feel safer and less anxious.

Tomorrow starts another day, one I do not feel will be any better than today. It will be a mess, but I will meet it with my head up and my heart full of hope.

This takes me to the newest purchase. First off, I sold 4 dolls and 7 art pieces in two weeks so I decided to buy something special for myself. I purchased a leather bound journal for my gratitude entries. I’m so happy with it. I love it.

I’ve got a special pen, given to me by a special friend, that I’ll use for this very special gratitude journal. It’s so pretty in person that I hesitated to write in it for two days. I wrote my first entry today which gave thanks for the people I’m surrounded by that are my family of choice.

Today I took the opportunity to express my love for family and friends by making calls and sending emails. I’m not quite finished yet. I want to make a tiny little difference in their day with an encouraging call, text or email. As I said, we live in perilous times and people are probably just as anxious as I’ve been. I guess I just want to recognize that by reaching out.

That’s all for this evening.

Faith

Panic Attacks

Posted on March 15, 2020March 20, 2022 by F.Magdalene

I’m not sure what my problem is but I’ve been having panic attacks lately. Today’s panic attack included holding my chest, fast breathing and vomiting. I’m not sure what is causing it but it started over a week ago. I talked about it in therapy.

I’m doing some deep breathing as well as keeping my eyes open so as not to close into myself. I’m hanging out with the cat and watching the aquarium fish. I’ve also done several journal pages.