Category: Anxiety

Teeth. Punishment. OCD.

Posted on by F.Magdalene

I don’t deserve pretty dentures after the way I treated my natural teeth, that’s the way I thought anyway. So when it came time to choose the color of my dentures I didn’t want to choose a pretty white. I was going to choose a coffee drinker white, or a color warranted by someone with obsessive compulsive disorder who could no longer brush her teeth because of issues. So when the dentist asked about color and showed me examples I said I didn’t know. She automatically picked a beautiful color. In shock I said, “Really. I can have that?”

It’s been 8 months since I had teeth. I eat without difficulty, but I didn’t look like myself. My self-esteem tanked. I didn’t know it could go lower, but it has.

I cried when I put in the new dentures today. I couldn’t believe that I look like me again. My lips were full again. And I just naturally smiled again! I couldn’t believe how different I felt about myself by putting in a very pretty pair of teeth that I didn’t even feel I deserved. Yes, I gave them back, but in three weeks time I’ll pick up my first pair of hand crafted dentures with my name in them.

I got the idea to ask for my name in them because a woman who was killed on Forensic Files was helped to be identified by the name in her dentures. No lie.

Soon I’ll start the YouTube classes for speech therapy with dentures.

I’m excited. Best of all, I’ll have my dentures before time to go on my trip.

Happy Faith 🙂

Better Boundaries This Time Around

Posted on by F.Magdalene

You know what? I did better with boundaries and setting limits than I first remembered. I originally looked back at the year with the old CNA and saw how many times I drew the line.

The first thing was how she would shoo me away with the back of her hand. She’d say, “Go! ” and begin to shoo me out of the kitchen area or restroom area, wherever I was. It felt horrible. I asked her to stop but she told me I couldn’t tell her what to do with her hands. I said, when it makes me feel “that way” I absolutely can. I ended up needing to call the supervisor about it.

She began saying very racist things about two different races. It was crazy. I said, how soon you forget the very words used against you. “They’re taking over.” “They’re taking our jobs.” “They’re dirty.” How soon you forget!!

She talked about how she doesn’t eat food from certain people because she feels blacks cleaner than their race. I get tired of that mess!!

It’s insane to inflict on others what we have to endure. When I talked to the supervisor about racial slurs she was mad. Shouldn’t have kept saying it. Hatred has no place in my home! I won’t stand for it.

She told me I can’t tell her what she can say. My answer surprised her. I said. I absolutely can. I can. I did. If vitriol comes out of your mouth you will hear about it. You say horrible things sometimes!

So, thinking back, I didn’t let her run all over me. I tried very hard to keep boundaries with someone who became uninterested in civility.

While there were really good times we had many difficulties, mainly with her mouth. You know what though? It was the mouth of one CNA. I only had one person’s behavior to deal with. I didn’t have CNAs cycling in and out which made the situation manageable, for awhile.

Let me address her walking out on me. That hurt. It also hurt to find out she actually put in a 2 weeks notice and that would have been her last day anyway. She put in a 2 week notice (unknown to me) because I had to report her language. I kept asking her to stop dropping the F-bomb. Why do I need to keep asking? Why are you using that word at work, especially that much? She actually quit bc she didn’t appreciate being asked not to use that word between the hours of 10-3, three days a week.

I guess she couldn’t bring herself to be respectful to others or to love herself enough to not say hateful, racist things about others.

Early on she used to tell me she was going to leave and not come back. I asked her to stop. I don’t think it’s funny. She kept saying it so I told the supervisor. So now she’s gone. I’ve got mixed feelings.

I honestly liked her in the beginning. I still have empathy and sympathy, now with anger.

Faith

Eating Disorder Clinic. Outpatient Care Only.

Posted on by F.Magdalene

Today I started care at the eating disorder clinic for abstinence and binge eating. I didn’t feel judged at all. I didn’t feel like my size disgusted them.

I know not eating for 3 days is a problem but I didn’t realize it would be something to try to make me go inpatient for care. I said no. I’ve got too many issues. I’m better off here. Outpatient or half day care where I sleep here is fine. But I can’t go inpatient. I won’t tolerate it well.

We discussed my hatred for water except for what lives in it. I told him that when it gets on me at all I panic. It feels as if I’ll die. Like I’ll melt into a puddle of soup.

The OCD is significantly better in that it’s not ruining my life. The eating disorder is ruining my life.

Next month I see my Oncologist / Hematologist at a different clinic. I didn’t want to go to the hospital for care anymore so I’ll go to an outpatient clinic for treatment for blood clots associated with Lupus.

I can’t say enough how refreshing it is to have a good CNA! She’s been here a year. I hope she stays. 🙂

My July trip is getting closer. I’m excited! I’m making a wrap skirt with headdress and matching earrings.

This thing is huge so I’m going to make a wrap skirt and all that from this material. In general I don’t wear yellow but I’m wearing yellow in honor of my best friend who loves yellow and can’t travel to the convention center.

I’m actively saving for both trips. I don’t think I’ve been this strapped for cash in a long time. My basic needs are met but dang. Broke sums it up!

Well, for the first time ever, I’m adding a video security system to my tiny home. It’s mostly for when I’m not here. I hate that I have to do this. The world has changed. I have not changed with it nor will I. But adjustments for safety is a reasonable step to finally take.

Here’s Joe Schmoe, just for fun. My green eyed monster with an irritated look. He’s camera shy.

Faith

What Keeps Me Awake – Fear of letting go

Posted on by F.Magdalene

My mind will catch up with me if I turn over and go to sleep.

Grief will catch up with me if I allow my mind to slow down.

I’m afraid of the images that are so vivid even with my eyes closed so I watch worthless TV shows and listen to books I’ve heard more than the author has heard it himself.

I feel myself running. I’m afraid of being left. I hate hanging up the phone after therapy. I hate when my CNA leaves for the day. I feel alone in the world when people leave. It’s not that they are leaving to go home, it feels like they’re leaving me.

My face is different all the time.

I see my different selves in photos.

My appearance drastically changes as the day goes on.

It takes so much mental and physical energy to leave the house. When I return, I look swollen and tired. Seriously, these two photos were taken hours apart.

I often do not recognize myself in the mirror and that spooks me.

On days when this is happening I go in the restroom with the lights off, and keep my eyes down so I don’t catch the eyes of the person in the mirror.

I recently looked at more photos of my mother and her sisters. You can tell we share blood. I don’t mind clearly being from that family. Years ago I started getting ok in my head with having my mother’s hands. It feels like it should bother me to look so much like that family but it doesn’t. I suppose it would be another story if they were dog-butt ugly.

Art

I like to play with light on my face. I often want my face to be my art, expressing different emotions.

Photos after dental surgery (and with a filter) allowed me to show how my heart feels bruised and beaten by grief. It’s not just grief for -K-, it’s grief over the catastrophic consequences from the selfish choices my family routinely made when I was young. It’s grief over decisions I made as an adult trying to survive my past.

Sometimes these things feel as if they consume me.

*No worries. These photos are from past dental surgery. I’m 100% safe and healed, as seen in the recent photos at the top of the entry. *

I sold a few paintings.

I sold the little girl with the balloon

and the one about faith. The funds will go towards my trip at the end of June. I’m hoping to really fill my Etsy shop in hopes of making more money for my three day stay. I’ve also updated my Redbubble shop that offers prints and products of my art pieces.

It’s 2 in the morning. I have things to do tomorrow but being alone in the dark is hard.

My head is no better than when I started writing. Please, I need peace inside.

Joan

Divided

Posted on by F.Magdalene

Content – Dissociative Identity Disorder, Uncontrolled weight gain, CNA in public.

Dr. D hasn’t changed my diagnosis. He still recognizes the disorder. He wanted to know if I believe that ‘they’ are all me and not actually separate. I said, I know it’s impossible to have more than one person in my head, but I want you to understand that I’ve been doing the impossible for a very long time.

I told him that I used to think I wanted to be one person but now I’m not sure I could stand the silence. I get this image in my head of a single person standing in the middle of a black tunnel, alone. That’s how I view being one person. In the middle of a dark tunnel with very little air and a whole lot of silence.

While I’d love to have less noise in my head, I decidedly do not want to be just one person. I don’t want any new people either.

I shared with him that I felt very threatened by his questions and pressured by my insiders to speak up for them. They would have felt betrayed had I not stated that we’ve been doing the impossible for a long time, and they’re here.

I talked to him about how panicked I’ve been lately.

I’m having a hard time settling down enough to post art for sale in my shop. I’ve got six items but I can’t seem to get over there and post more. I don’t know why. So, I’m just letting myself paint as much as I need then when I’m able I’ll post more art for sale in my Etsy shop.

Me = I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today. I swear, pounds just pack on me no matter what I do. I feel so ugly.

I was supposed to go to the mall to roll around in my manual wheelchair but I’m afraid to go to the mall. I don’t want to get shot.

Could I somehow, some way get doctor’s clearance to go to Planet Fitness? Could I have CNA coverage and transportation? Am I a fool for even thinking it?

CNA = My psychopath CNA is going to get us killed with her rage, laying on the horn yelling at people. I don’t want to continue to intervene as if somehow I’m here social worker or therapist. I have to let her know that if her actions cause the police to be called, she can’t work for me any longer. I’m going to have to tell her that it’s not a joke, if someone calls the police bc you threw something or threatened someone, you don’t work here anymore.

I had a really nice Saturday person that cared for me. I hope she can return.

Why do I hate myself for having care? I don’t think everyone inside agrees with that statement.

Faith

Why So Much Anxiety?

Posted on by F.Magdalene

Anxiety comes over like waves. One minute my head is above water, the next I have waves of debilitating anxiety. It washes over me so that all I want to do is go to bed with the covers over my head. I don’t feel like I’m coping. I wish I could go to the hospital inpatient for medication management. This is over my head right now.

I’m not suicidal but I’m not ok either. I’m thinking about going inpatient though.

Dr . D is displeased that I can’t rely on my CNAs to remind me to eat something between 10 – 3 while she’s here. She just wants to concentrate on her agenda for the day which doesn’t include reminding me to eat or giving 3pm medication prompts. She reminds me to take 9am meds but the rest of the day there are no prompts. It doesn’t matter who comes here, they aren’t going to do prompts. They aren’t wired for it. This CNA only wants to do some of the housework while outright ignoring the rest, but she’s honestly about the best I’m going to get.

I feel like I’m constantly irritated with a friend of mine. The other day she was fixing the doors on my big terrarium. In the process she needed to adjust something, who knows. Well instead of asking for a screwdriver she picked up one of my spoons for tea and started working with it. I said, no, I don’t think so. I gave her a screwdriver and just shook my head. THEN I went into the kitchen to get in my little oven only to find that the oven was unplugged. I plugged it back in. She said she unplugged it to plug it a small tool. I said, you need to ask questions. Where should I plug this in? Do you have a screwdriver? ….. smh. Don’t just start doing stuff on your own bc it’s not going to go well.

Those two things may not mean anything to others but I don’t appreciate people doing whatever they want with my stuff. And to use one of my spoons for tea like a screwdriver and to pry something off? No ma’am!

I’m also irritated with her bc she takes stuff I’m throwing away and puts it in her attic saying she’ll keep it “just in case I change my mind later and want it back.” I guess I’m not even able to make decisions on my own. Like I need her as a safety net so I don’t throw away my stuff. She gets on my nerves with that crap!

I got rid of a table. Instead of putting it in the trash she said I might want it later so she took it home with her. It’s like for some reason my word means nothing! She gets on my nerves with that crap!

So in addition to anxiety I’m irritated with people. I’m irritated with my CNA for wanting to fight the people at KFC and for threatening to throw a drink on an employee. I’m irritated that stuff goes from zero to 100 with her and employees.

I’m just irritated and very anxious!

At War With Myself – Disordered Eating

Posted on by F.Magdalene

Content – Disordered eating. Binge eating, no purge. Shame. Hopeless feelings. Anxiety. Inpatient for medication management.

I had therapy today where it was decided that I’ll have a short set time with extra home care. I’ll be adding a 3 hr day to Saturday until the beginning of the year.

I really have a hard time keeping myself together. I’m close to needing inpatient. I’m trying to get around that.

I burst into tears 3 times Friday, out of nowhere. Thursday I was so anxious that I felt like I needed complete quiet bc I was so overly stimulated. Every sound assaulted me. I couldn’t sleep until around 6am. My head has been all over the place.

On the 8th I’ll go to see how my eyesight is doing with the Pseudotumor cerebri. Peripheral vision is gone on the left side. There’s a large blind spot in the middle of the left eye. I have some issues on the right, mostly fatigue, I think. Def worries me.

I was supposed to lose weight so I can avoid a spinal tap. Instead of of being thinner for my opthalmology appointment, I’ll return 30 lbs heavier. How will I explain that? I have to take the psych meds and I have disordered eating. It’s not going well. I know my eating is disordered, maybe even addiction level. I have the pull of increased appetite from those 2 meds and then my disordered eating.

The difficulty is that I can eat and eat without feeling anything. I’m not satisfied nor am I hungry. I’m empty. As cliche as it sounds, I keep trying to fill a hole. So I keep eating, mostly sweets. Binge eating is a problem. The other day I ate six apple fritters in less than 30 minutes. The day before I had twelve strawberry pop tarts in about an hour. No other food those days bc I didn’t remember.

Eating to sooth emotions is a problem. Baked goods make me feel better. Coffee and tea make me feel better. It’s like I’ve got to put something inside myself, only once it’s been eaten the soothing is gone. 1) I can’t tell that I ate or drank. 2) I’m back to whatever I was feeling that caused me to turn to food. It’s a vicious cycle.

After the 12th all my teeth will be pulled. I’ll wait for them to heal before getting full dentures. Eating will be difficult. Having disordered eating at that time worries me.

Now that I have a steady CNA and now that Dr D works in a building that is handicapped accessible, I can go see him. I’m just embarrassed! I’m embarrassed about seeing the ophthalmologist this coming Friday. I’m embarrassed to see my primary doctor. I’m embarrassed to see my psychologist.

I thought to myself the other day, there’s very little understanding offered to people who are overweight. At least some understanding is offered to people addicted to street drugs. Fat people are blamed and mocked as if the reasons for my addiction are any different. Life hurts. Same story, different poison.

I feel lost with my eating issues. I keep thinking I’ll get a hold of it. Add disordered eating to the pull of medication side effects from seroquel or my Pregabline and I’ve got myself an inner war I’m quickly losing.

Joan

This week in photos: Stress. Pets. Art.

Posted on by F.Magdalene

Joe has finally won over the CNA. She likes him quite a bit. Joe doesn’t climb in the chair she usually sits in but he does rest under it now.

I’ve been doing more art with Scriptures and scriptural thoughts. This little 8×5-ish painting is for a good friend of mine in Arizona.

I’ve got to work on spacing out my lettering better.

Rosie is taking a bath in the 30 gallon, over grown, terrarium. Today on a group there was a free gecko. It took everything I had not to inquire. 🙂

I think as my buddy gets older I fear losing him.

I thought getting a younger cat now might make the inevitable, tolerable. But then there’s the possibility it’ll just stress Joe.

Joe is only 14 but that’s nothing to sneeze at …….. He’s been letting me pick him up and hold him a little longer, which is great for me. If I talk to him he’ll let me hold him longer but I find it difficult to chatter at pets.

I’m in love with my raw beads! I used brown Sculpy mixed with yellow FIMO that dries like leather. Just to put them in a safe spot, I slid them on a piece of leather. It looks pretty good. I put it on my vase holding my arrowhead plants.

Painting rocks and making beads is so relaxing.

Here are a few photos of me on ‘outing day’. Next week I’m going to CC’s Pizza. I’m getting out a lot more and loving it.

I’ve got company this weekend. It should be nice. Lol I feel like a bit of a social butterfly again.

Until soon,

Faith

Art and Processing Life Changes

Posted on by F.Magdalene
2023

Anxiety, her name is Faith

This last week has been trying. My head tried to take me down depression street. I needed rest from the world so I turned my phone on do not disturb for the most of the day. I’m definitely trying to take one day at a time but there’s so much from yesterday that plagues me today. Today I had yet another tooth that broke off at the gum line. Unfortunately, it’s in the front.

I have issues with dental hygiene because I can’t use toothbrushes. I can’t stand the way it feels in my mouth. The dentist gave me mouthwash but the damage to my teeth is significant. If I had it to do all over again I’d find a way to keep them healthy. How, I don’t know.

I’m painting a piece about loss and finding traction to move forward. This is much larger than usual for me. I’ve been planning a painting where the wheelchair is made of sunflowers.

detail left side

It feels like a piece that is helping me truly let go of some of these things that pain me. It’s no where near finished but working on it has helped me deal with overwhelming anxiety.

My little place genuinely feels like an art studio now that I’ve got a bunch of art in various stages of completion.

SOLD

I’m pleased that my little bag holder doll with glasses has found a home. The glasses were the final touch. 🙂

Joe Schmoe, age 14

Despite the fact that it’s not even midnight, I’m going to take a PRN and go to sleep. Joe and I need a fresher start tomorrow. Better sleep will do a lot to make tomorrow better than today. Let’s just hope I don’t need to go to the restroom every 2 hours like last night.

Dang, menopause is kicking my butt! Is my bladder the size of a pea now? In addition to menopause, my bladder is over active when I’m feeling stressed. It’s helpful to know my symptoms (over active bladder) so I can then respond appropriately; manage stress better, don’t internalize so much.

In addition to snuggling with Joe, I’m looking forward having dinner with friends, at my place, on Sunday.

Faith

Remnants. Art. Seeing.

Posted on by F.Magdalene
Behind the curtain. Behind the light.

I’m getting ready to start physical therapy here at home to help some of the healing along due to recent falls. I’m pleased it’s at home. I told the doctor I’m not able to tolerate going to a center for physical therapy because of the setup. There’s too much public activity, noise, movement and touch, for me to be able to think straight and not panic.

The painting shown is still being worked on. It’s one of my collages, which I have found myself drawn to lately. I’ve got many pieces of this and that saved art piece that on their own doesn’t work but added to other cut outs, makes a great piece of art.

This is very indicative of how I’ve been feeling. In my head, I see myself as fractured and torn, both physically and mentally. It feels good to take the remnants of my art pieces (pieces of me) and make something good come out of the broken pieces. It’s similar to what the Japanese do when putting pieces of a broken bowl back together with gold. My goal is to improve self esteem. I also enjoy it.

General updates

  • Soon iI’ll know a decision from my insurance about a new Jazzy Pride electric wheelchair.
  • Joe just turned 14. It makes me a little nervous. His only issue is from the stroke. He doesn’t see as well.
  • Joe is still very much a service cat. He still alerts me to my blood pressure dropping too low.
  • I learned to make sour cream from my homemade yogurt. I’m growing my own ginger and turmeric inside. This growing season I’ll do spinach and salad greens with grow lights. The point of all this homemade stuff is to shave some off my grocery bill.
  • My OCD has been raging but I’ve been able to challenge it. Things go terribly if my thinking is too disordered and I’m overly stimulated. When that happens I have to go on an apology tour.
  • Dissociation and switching has occurred regularly, including switching while my nurse and CNA are here.
  • I’ve been able to paint as before with no real issues. There’s one painting in my Etsy shop.

Another physical change has taken place that affects my art. I can’t see! Dang it! I have to wear glasses to read or see anything in front of me, including my dinner plate. I can see far away, though. I need to see the eye doctor soon for prescription glasses. For now I’ve got bifocals from Amazon. I like them. Life is easier all around with bifocals.

Interesting is that it feels weird painting through glasses. It feels like I now have a physical barrier between me and what I’m creating. It feels like I’ve got my hands through the holes of a glass panel trying to paint or sew on the other side of the window.

Another new tool at home is this comfy Kaftan. I’m obsessed! I also like that I found an Etsy taylor with prettier dresses for the same price. I’m looking to get two more by this summer.

Kaftan’s are user friendly for disabled people with incontinence. I have spastic bladder as a result of the Thrombectomy surgery, which means I have to change depends several times a day. The last thing I want is to take my pants off several times a day because I need to change depends.

These dresses are fun and they are sooo me! I think I’m loving my Oprah glasses and Kaftans. I have one pink, white and green tie dye and one blue, gray, black and white tie dye. Totally me.

Faith / Joan